April Fools

By EMILY HOFFMAN This past Monday, the United States Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, announced that the unspoken “15 minute rule” in academic settings will be legalized in 2018. “College Students Were Right,” the Washington Post…

After months of deliberation, Thelmo and Dining Services announced at Wednesday’s Thelmo meeting that they had finally developed a meal plan program with 100% approval from the student body. “This has been a long and drawn out process, but…

In what he said was by-far the longest running skit in the storied history of Saturday Night Live, Larry David re­vealed that he is in fact Bernie Sanders and his presidential candidacy was never real. Da­vid said he was getting…

Last week, while SLU students were enjoying themselves on Spring Break adventures across the globe, shocking news shook the North Country. Clarkson University revealed a deep dark secret it has been hid­ing for years. Donald Trump,…

A recent experiment carried out by scientists at CERN found compelling evidence that God is not real. After running a series of highly complex mathematical equations derived from recent data yielded from colliding two particles that nobody…

I recently awoke one blistery Canton morning to discover my stomach dreadfully empty-- the kind of emptiness created by a late night filled with cheap beers and ice cold walks to and from the Ticker. In an effort to rectify the issue, I…