To be a good feminist, and I mean like, a really good feminist, which quite honestly is the only way to even be feminist, everything you do, eat, touch, look at, listen to, and yes, even drink, needs to be feminist. I know what you might be thinking: what do I drink to keep my feminist ideology fully intact but also get totally sloshed for formal szn. Fear not, I’ve thought about it all, and if you do, as I do, and, drink as I drink, you too can own a Future is Female tee shirt and use International Women’s Day as an excuse to post a super hot picture of you and your gal pals. So let’s go through all the alcohol you may be drinking that is actually misogynist as hell.
- Any liquor that is brown: we all know Kanye was drinking brown liquor when he told the only pure feminist, her highness Taylor Swift, that Beyoncé had the greatest album of all time. Although we have to respect a man telling a woman he’ll let her finish, regardless, don’t touch the stuff.
- Wine: people expect feminists to drink wine: this includes champagne. Feminism is all about breaking the boundaries other people set for us. Also wine and whine are like the same word, and we need to get away from that narrative.
- Gin and tequila: honestly, we all know a woman who has been hurt by these God-awful alcohols, and to drink them is to betray those who have suffered the consequences of ingesting what should be considered poison.
- Sake: are you kidding me? It literally rhymes with cocky. Need I say more?
- Any “light” beer: the most anti-body positive thing to happen to alcohol.
- Vodka: sometimes I forget if it’s spelled with a “c” or a “k” and I cannot figure out how a potato turns into this foul beverage. It’s an insult on women’s intelligence everywhere.
I know what you’re thinking, is it not feminist to drink alcohol at all? Anybody who has been in a bathroom with a group of drunk women knows that the empowerment of women lies with drunk women who like really like your outfit and think you are soooo pretty. What do feminists drink? PBR. Let me womansplain this to you. I knew PBR was the answer to my feminist alcohol dilemma long before I could drink, when the great Lana Del Ray whispered “Pabst Blue Ribbon on ice” in a song aptly named “This is What Makes Us Girls,” yes, Lana it is, and it’s also what makes us feminist icons. The song also mentions defying the patriarchy by stealing police cars with older guys and running the world.
Furthermore, PBR is extremely affordable, so feminists from all backgrounds can crack open a (preferably warm) refreshing PBR. The Best Brewing company was established by immigrants, a huge F- you to other beer companies like Busch, which was probably invented by like the same person who invented fraternities and icy hot condoms. Wikipedia also says that PBR almost died out but then got revived?? We love a comeback kween! If I was going to describe what PBR tastes like I would probably say a mix between the 19th amendment and my first orgasm. So the next time you walk up to the ticker bar and order a drink, think to yourself, is this the feminist thing to imbibe? If it’s not a PBR, you are probably a sexist pig.