April Fools: Felines Finally Find Fans

By Tawdry Hepburn Last updated Apr 1, 2025

You would be advised to keep a close eye on this cat when it’s around your mother. PHOTO CREDIT: YOUR MOM

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It appears that cats have taken over St. Lawrence University. Well, it was only one cat, really, said witnesses who were willing to talk anonymously. Nonetheless, students appear powerless in the face of the fluffy monstrosity known as Anar.

“Y’all need to stop being so salty,” said Cameron Mulla ‘26, a self-proclaimed Anar-fan. Among such people who exist (dozens of them), the appeal could lie in their love for anything feline. In this day and age, when loyalty towards pet owners has ceased to be a defining factor, cats have surpassed dogs in terms of desirability.

Not everyone is a cat-lover, however. Other aspects of Anar have converted many to neutral. “Personally speaking, I just love it when she ignores me,” said Taiyara Nudrat ‘26. Though initially skeptical, upon recognizing Anar’s preference for other people, she has slowly come to get behind the Anar-train.

For the most part, however, no single set of characteristics unifies Anar’s fans in their love. “What can I say? She’s just my girl, bro,” said Sofia Zareizadeh ‘26, during a feeding session.

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Anar has grown in size since the author’s last meeting with her and often seeks out extra tuna. Since her arrival on campus, sugar has become a banned substance, resulting in a lucrative black market for candy among students still craving snacks.

Despite the boldness of her supporters, Anar is not without her detractors. “She has a foot fetish,” said Kelsang Chokey ‘26. Furthermore, Chokey stated that if Anar licked her feet, she would immediately wash them. “I might kick her first, though,” added Chokey.

For safety purposes, Chokey initially requested to be interviewed under a different moniker. However, it appeared that her moment of extreme courage overtook any desire for anonymity. Since her interview with the author, however, it appears that she is nowhere to be found on-campus.

Upon hearing Chokey’s statements, Mulla confirmed Anar’s tendencies regarding people’s feet. “It’s not an ick, though,” she concluded, giggling and twirling her hair. “[REDACTED].” agreed Zareizadeh. Either way, there’s no denying it. The Anar chokehold is real.