April Fools: Psychology Creating Alien-Rat Hybrid 

The vivarium has long been held as a space of high regard for the level of ethical and useful research done by psychology students in its murky depths. The rats do not see sunlight for a week when they are received by the Psychology department and are raised in the eternal midnight of the Johnson Hall of Science basement. “We only torture the rats a little,” claimed Colin Young ’30. However, these claims are hard to believe due to the following memo we intercepted between the Psychology and Biology departments. 

[ Dear St. Lawrence University Biology Department, 

We have run into a confounding and unfortunate scenario and require your immediate help. Our students have been conducting a variety of experiments on our rats to understand better what they like and dislike and how it affects their psyche. So far, our honorable, ethical, and generally psychotic students have determined that rats dislike being starved, even if they can get food by pushing a rod. More significantly, though, they have determined that rats don’t like being stuck in the dark basement of Johnson and repeatedly being hit with a rubber rat. 

To provide our students with further academic enrichment in their studies of rats’ psyches, we require a stronger, potentially alien rat species. 

Our current rats have succumbed to our more rigorous experiments, such as listening to Kate Morris’ speeches for 24 hours. So far, all rats have succumbed to insanity within 30 minutes, preventing the collection of meaningful data. Please let us know when you have created a stronger rat. 

Truly yours, 

St. Lawrence University Psychology Department 

While no response has been intercepted from the SLU biology department, some answers have been found due to the strong investigative skills of The Hill News Editorial Board. Evidence has been found in a secret lab buried deep underneath Johnson of a collaboration between SLU biology and Area 51 to create a new breed of alien rats that will be able to withstand more arduous experimentation to educate and enrich the minds of SLU psychology students. Weird life forms were seen floating in vats of slime, and a few “rats” were seen in cages. These caged lifeforms were seen to have large human like eyes, green horns and piranha esque chompers. 

Due to the sensitive nature of the reporting in this article, if you do not see or hear from anyone on The Hill News editorial board, please reach out to a higher power to rescue us from whatever Black Ops site the CIA is holding us at.