April Fools: The Spectacular Season of SLU Esports: The Hypest Team on Campus Made SLU Proud on the Gaming Consoles This Season
The Smelliest team on campus (besides lax) has had an absolute Stanky leg of a regular season, with a winning percentage of 0.750. A feat last accomplished by the football team when this year’s freshmen were 3rd graders. However, do not let these stats fool you into thinking they are talented individuals. The sole reason for the success has been their weekly sacrifice to their god known as Rngesus of three squirrels, four Dana burgers, and six Pub cookies, all in Kate Morris’s dungeon every Wednesday night. Heading into the playoffs, the cult’s head analyst, Sirus Minovi, found a loophole in the rule book that if the fire alarm goes off at any point during the game, the match must be restarted from the very beginning. Therefore, they are now offering three new positions as Esports Lab Smoker to potentially “light it up” if a team is about to lose. However, sadly, rumor has it that the position will be BYOW.
One of the most memorable situations from this semester was when Director Kadin deRyjuiter gave one of the most motivational speeches of all time, one of those that rivals the” here’s to glory, here’s to honor” speech. Yet, despite 30 people being in earshot, 28 of them were too occupied discord messaging their kittens to pay attention.
The rumor mill has also been swirling around that the esports team will sign an NIL deal with Red Bull due to their pre-game tradition of shotgunning Red Bulls before every match, as they are medically unable to function without energy drinks. Moreover, the team’s rising star has been Josus Htoo, whose abilities have now landed him the conference favorite for Twin of the Year 2026.
With all that said, by far, the greatest feat the team has accomplished this season is a record of five separate individuals falling asleep in the lab, officially making it a more common occurrence to fall asleep in the lab than first-year year orientation. Overall, despite their relatively “cringe” reputation for their lifestyle choices, there is no denying that they are absolutely fucking goated and will continue to pub stomp their opponents.