Starting in the Fall of 2018, the Patti McGill Peterson Center for International and Intercultural Studies Office is set to introduce a host of new abroad programs located all over the globe and in different time periods. With the purchase of a time machine, the CIIS Office is now able to send students to different countries around the world and to different moments in time.
One of the programs to be offered in the Fall of next year is based in Vietnam in the year 1965. Yes, that’s right, students will be able to experience the Vietnam War in real time. A statement from the abroad office explained that administrators thought some of “the snowflakes” on campus needed a war to toughen them up.
When asked for further comment, one spokesperson said, “These students with their microagressions and their trigger warnings… I’ll show you a trigger warning. IT’S CALLED VIETNAM!” This same spokesperson went on to discuss all the “fun” he had in Vietnam and how he wanted to offer students at St. Lawrence the same experience.
Another program site is going to be in the former country of Yugoslavia in the year 1990. The abroad office has stated that they think this is a time and place in which students will be able to experience and even participate in the dissolution of a country. “It’s not everyday that a student has the ability and opportunity to engage in real social and political upheaval like this,” remarked a program representative.
When questioned if an abroad program of this nature might endanger the lives of students, this representative maintained that the benefits outweighed the possible drawbacks: “In war, there are casualties. The same goes for abroad programs, especially when you’re sending students to active war zones; but, this is a once in a lifetime experience, and I would recommend that any eligible student apply.”
The final abroad program offering to be introduced next year is located in China in 1857, during the height of the second opium war. The CIIS Office has not explained their rationale for this destination in time, but many students on campus seem to be very happy about the abroad office’s choice.
In an interview, Chad Applebaum ’20 told The Hill News, “I will most def be applying. The opium war sounds litty bro. I hope they sell juul pods there.” Another prospective student, singularly excited about the program, was seen running naked around the quad and repeatedly shouting “I LOVE OPIUM!”
St. Lawrence’s abroad office is the first of any college or university to purchase this revolutionary technology and is extremely excited about the myriad opportunities it will present students with. However, because of the groundbreaking nature of this technology, it is costing the university an astronomical amount of money.
In response to initial criticism over the expenditure, the university has been steadfast in its defense of the purchase and the CIIS Office, saying that the time machine was well worth the entirety of the endowment.