North Korea Misplaces Missiles

The New York Times reported Thursday that North Korea appears to have lost its nuclear weapons during a routine missile test. Regime officials are said to be unsure of how all of North Korea’s 60 warheads disappeared, but the state news remained adamant that they would “show up” some time soon.

The loss of his nuclear weapons comes at a challenging time for Kim Jong Un, who will be meeting with the U.S. President Donald Trump in the coming months to discuss North Korea’s nuclear and ballistic missile programs. While the North Koreans will likely be able to coble together a few more nuclear weapons in the coming weeks using spare parts and leftover uranium, this episode has proven to be an embarrassment for the man who claims to be his country’s all-knowing supreme leader.

World leaders from around the globe have been alarmed by North Korea’s mistake and many, including President Xi of China and President Putin of Russia, have ordered a recount of their nuclear stockpiles to ensure that none of their weapons have been misplaced. Reuters reports that President Emanuel Macron of France, whose country is in the middle of one of its largest public sector strikes in decades, has acknowledged that French inspectors would not be able to complete a full count of the country’s nuclear weapons until later this week, once the train system is operating again.

Early this morning, President Trump tweeted “STUPID North Korea cant even keep track of its NUCLEAR weapons! Its a shame Little Rocket Man just cant keep his rocket in check.” However, leaks from the White House suggest that while no American nuclear weapons are missing, the so called “nuclear football,” which houses all American launch codes has been lost somewhere in a field near Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate. An unnamed source has suggested that a misdirected punt was to blame for the loss.

Iran’s President, Hassan Rouhani, has also responded to the North Korean loss, stating in a press briefing that his country supported the North Korean’s right to self-defense, while offering to send a team of Iranian nuclear experts to join in the nation-wide search for the missing weapons. Iranian Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khamenei, went even further, suggesting that his country organize a large contingent of Shia paramilitary fighters from Lebanon, Syria, Iraq, and Afghanistan to spread out and search every inch of North Korean territory.

While it is unlikely that the North Korean warheads will be missing for long, North Korea’s neighbors are already celebrating. In Seoul, South Koreans took to the streets, with many joining a nationwide game of hide and seek while dressed as nuclear warheads. In Japan, a hashtag which roughly translates as “#whotookmynukes” has been trending on social media.

By lunch time today, the North Koreans had declared they had finished checking under every bed and in-between every seat cushion in the country but had no luck in finding the missing nuclear weapons.