REVEALED: Austin Petersen Stole Dana Sprinkles
Austin Petersen, a Republican candidate for the US Senate in Missouri, revealed on Twitter that he was the one who stole the ice cream toppings in Dana, tweeting, “To the students of St. Lawrence, I stole the sprinkles, Oreos, and Butter-Finger toppings to teach SLU about how big government can steal from us whenever it wants.”
Petersen was the runner-up for the Libertarian presidential nomination, and he has been known for confrontational tactics before. Petersen had spoken with students about the power of free markets to solve all problems, including erectile dysfunction, and how the government should not interfere with kids eating Tide Pods. After his speech, he snuck into Dana for a lasting lesson on the dangers of big government.
Students have been outraged for the past few weeks after Dana has refused to replace the stolen toppings for the ice cream, and that the bandit had not been found before Mr. Petersen’s tweet.
One student told The Hill News, “I’ve honestly cried every night because I can barely get by without the joy of Oreo toppings on my delicious soft-serve ice cream.” The situation was so dire that students staged a walkout from class on March 14 to protest on the quad the lack of toppings at Dana.
Multiple investigations have taken place on campus to find the thief. Many students have complained that their civil liberties were violated after security randomly searched rooms in the middle of the night for the stolen sugary delights.
The administration has said this is necessary, especially since this is the time when prospective students are coming for accepted student days. Admissions expressed their concerns, saying, “The draw for many students to pick St. Lawrence is the fact that we offer more than just ice cream by going the extra mile and offering sprinkles and Oreos as well. We may see a significant decrease in the size of next year’s first year class if this is not resolved.”
Petersen has been known for bold stunts like giving away an AR-15 on Twitter, but this incident outraged students even more. The Hill News sent our intrepid reporter Brian Boon to ask Young Americans for Liberty their thoughts on the matter; however, Boon forgot again to interview them and ended up just interviewing SLU Democrats.
The president of SLU Dems stated, “What Austin did was unacceptable. Mr. Petersen does not understand that taxes are a social contract needed to create a well-functioning society, and that walking out of Dana with giant containers of ice cream toppings is not going to teach us any sort of lesson.”
While Mr. Petersen was fielding questions from students on his visit to SLU, he did ask Brian Boon out on a date for drinks. Students are considering offering Petersen a date with Boon in return for the toppings back.
Boon has yet to agree but, if necessary, is willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of listening to Mr. Petersen drone on about free markets and gun rights for another three hours on a date.