See-Through Dorm Rooms for Evangelical College Students
BY MARTY PELLITIER
On Monday, the Bob Jones University in South Carolina announced that they would be installing see-through glass residential rooms for all students in residence dormitories. The administration made this decision following concerns regarding student welfare and safety, as well as to enforce divine sanctity on campus. Numerous students are upset over the decision, stating that the administration is infringing upon their First Amendment rights (even though the University is a private institution).
Numerous student groups plan to walk out of Monday’s chapel service to protest this decision. The administration states that these claims are not credible, and that anybody who skips out on Monday’s chapel service will receive 100,000 demerit points and will be ordered to attend confession. The Bob Jones University has been most notorious for banning rock and hip-hop music, ordering students not to go to movie theatres, and pretty much outlawing any activity that is remotely sexual in nature.
Chancellor Bob Jones III addressed the change and criticism from the student body, “Good heavens, I don’t know what has happened. Lately the halls of our dorms have a new, mysterious incense that makes one very lazy, sleepy, and hungry for pizza.” In addition to the chancellor’s observations, a security officer reportedly discovering an ominous paper bag in the chapel’s vestibule last Thursday; it contained a razor blade, a rolled up $20 bill, and what is assumed to be powdered sugar.
Upon discovering the bag, the University went into lockdown for three hours Thursday afternoon, students were evacuated to the Davis Field House where they prayed together until the all clear was given. The security team has just taken this paraphernalia into a locked room where they will “closely examine it.” New brands of items have also been found in the campus trash, including small square wrappers that are labelled “Trojan,” as well as colorful bottles of the brand “Svedka,” which is presumed to be a new kind of fruit juice.
According to Chancellor Jones, the final straw that led to complete prohibition of student privacy was suspicious activity in student dorm rooms late at night and during the early morning hours. Excessive moaning, loud breathing, and banging noises have been reported from student dorm rooms which have also been accompanied by shaking floors and walls. The administration has postulated that students may be cramping from excessive kneeling during late night group liturgies, or some students may be possessed by Satan. The Fallen Angel could not be reached for comment, but his office advised Hill News reporters to contact his Chief Liaison, Mr. Fred Phelps Sr., for details. We are still awaiting a response from Mr. Phelps. In the meantime, the University states that the new see-through rooms will be ready for students to move into at the beginning of fall semester.