While on their spring break meeting in Cancun, the Board of Trustees met to officially re-designate President Fox as President Wolf. This is only the most recent ranking the University President has achieved but one of the most notoriously difficult to acquire. To be granted “Wolf” is certainly a huge responsibility, and the president will test his abilities to even greater heights in the months to come.
When asked his feelings on the subject, Wolf (given name William L. Puddlebumplings) responded, “It’s a huge honor to be granted the rank of Wolf by the trustees. St. Lawrence is a beautiful school, and I’m glad to have helped it along the way. I’ve worked hard to earn my new ranking, as I recently got my merit badges for fire-making, whittling, and alumni outreach.”
As every student knows, Wolf is one of the higher rankings on St. Lawrence University’s Presidential Adirondack Totem Pole. Like any other president, Puddlebumplings started out with the ranking of Grey Squirrel. However, he quickly distinguished himself by moving up to Raccoon within his first six months and to Pine Marten within a year. Since then, Puddlebumplings has been awarded the ranks of Great Blue Heron, Snowy Owl, and, of course, Fox.
With the upgrade come both many new perks and responsibilities. For example, as President Wolf, Puddlebumplings will gain the ability to take one fry off of every student’s plate while in Dana as well as the advantage of starting to run cross-country races, hosted at the school, a full twenty minutes before any other collegiate competitors. However, Puddlebumplings is now responsible for making sure that indeed no bags, booze, or problems enter the Java venue.
When asked for comment, the Board of Trustees noted that this recognition was only the first in a series of facelifts and promotions designed to help the University’s brand, including renovating Pub 56 into Pub 57, renaming Priest College to Pope College, and the establishment of the Viggo Mortensen Laser Tag and Candy Emporium. When asked about socially-responsible use of university funds, the Board cited the fact that St. Lawrence is still way, way cooler than Clarkson will ever be.
Personally, this author congratulates President Wolf on his achievement and looks forward to what the future brings.