Since their creation, university campuses nationwide have been pockmarked by instances of racial injustice. Mere weeks ago, students at nearby SUNY Plattsburgh and the University of Vermont took to the streets to shed light on their own experiences with racial injustice and to demand action from their ever-quiet administrations.
Thankfully, however, all that has now come to an end. White students across the United States have come together, united in their white-guilt, and have formulated a solution to the systemic racism that students of color have faced in the eras since America was founded on the backs of their ancestors.
What, you may ask, have the white minds of our generation come up with? It’s quite simple, really: a good ol’ fashioned apology. They have decided to finally own up to what their ancestors did— not them, of course, they’re not racists— and apologize for the all the harm their great Grandaddy Shelby did. He didn’t mean it, really, he was just a product of his time, and he didn’t realize that the laborers, which he used and abused, were human beings. After all, it’s quite hard to recognize humanity when it’s staring you in the face, especially when you haven’t got much within yourself.
No longer will individuals need to ponder Ta-Nehisi Coates’ “The Case for Reparations.” Instead, the words “I’m sorry,” which will pour out of the mouths of every white student nationwide, will correct all past wrongs. Gerrymandering, redlining, wealth disparities, the disproportionate number of sexual assaults and violence against African American and Hispanic women, police brutality, the high rates of incarceration, and more will all disappear in the blink of an eye, and our nation will unite as one.
How, you may ask, did these white students come up with such a well-thought-out plan to aid the individuals whose backs they, either indirectly or directly, stepped on in order to get their positions in society? Well, first, they took a big gulp out of their $40 water bottles, stared in the mirror, and decided to confront the white fragility that has comfortably nestled itself to the right of their heart.
After realizing that that would require a willingness to be uncomfortable, they quickly abandoned that course of action and instead looked for the easiest solution, requiring the least amount of effort, but which would make them look really empathetic on their graduate school applications.
As Johnny Wills ’19 states: “I really care about the plight of the African American in the United States., and I intend to do everything in my power to not have to think about how my existence has contributed to it. I do, however, want to apologize for the actions of my forefathers. That was just unacceptable.”
Once they achieved a happy-medium between “I refuse to acknowledge my privilege if it makes me uncomfortable” and “I still want to look politically progressive on my Instagram,” they were ready to go. They glittered their posters, put on their “All Lives Matter” t-shirts, and ensured that they had whitened their teeth enough to smile big while issuing their heartfelt apology.
Upon hearing the comforting words pour out of the mouths of their white classmates, students of color nationwide realized how silly they had been all along. Who cares if the American nation was built on the blood, sweat, and tears of African Americans who were never properly compensated for what was stolen from them? Who cares if racial injustice continues to pervade every aspect of American life?
At least white people are sorry—and not uncomfortable.