Pope Francis To Ordain SLU Men’s Lacrosse Players as Saints
On Wednesday, April 1, Pope Francis released a list of people he plans to ordain as saints following the coronavirus outbreak. Sitting on his white, cushioned sofa in his Vatican suite, Francis read the names of five SLU Men’s Lacrosse players, rewarding seemingly small actions of love and bringing joy and excitement across Zoom video chats around the world.
Francis dedicated a minute of his speech to the SLU saints, praising their selflessness and discipline. “These trying times have allowed many people around the world to put their own struggles in perspective,” said Pope Francis. “While some university employees are left jobless, many students had stable homes and financial situations to return to when the coronavirus pandemic stopped on-campus studies.”
“The members of the SLU Men’s Lacrosse team noticed their privileges and decided to act on their final day before leaving campus,” continued Francis. “Instead of partying recklessly, destroying expensive school resources, and complicating the school’s already fickle economy, the players cleaned and helped install new equipment in Appleton Arena.”
Maintenance workers and school administrators estimate the players saved the school hundreds of thousands of dollars in installation and cleaning costs.
“We are strapped for money as it is and those boys, I mean saints, really got us out of a pickle,” said school administrator Boarda Member. “Now, we don’t have to worry about our employees getting sick and risking their friends and families by entering the facilities to make the final renovations and repairs to Appleton.”
The lacrosse players added unexpected final touches to the renovation project that made campus workers reaffirm their Christian faith.
“The sound equipment was all connected, the monitors and televisions configured with local channels, and the locker-room polished and waxed,” said Appleton renovator Willy Workman. “When I first walked in there that morning, I thought an angel had visited us. There were even sparkles on the locker-room floor.”
Thinking of the campus and workers instead of themselves, the players consider their good deeds minor.
“All we wanted to do was put a smile on some faces,” said senior goaltender and captain Johnny Skoal. “We had no idea that our actions would result in sainthood.”
The story of their heroics is a simple one. “We were just hungover and didn’t feel like going out,” said junior midfielder Brad Copenhagen. “There were some aprons and sponges lying around our rooms, so we decided to use them and spend some quality team bonding time together.”
The coaches and staff of the lacrosse team held back tears when interviewed. “They’re just such good boys,” said assistant secretary to the head coach Paul Protestant. “I wish we could have the same roster forever.”
Among the five soon-to-be-ordained saints are Skoal, Copenhagen, Winter Green, Matt Grizzly, and Loose Leaf. Exciting many seniors and theme house juniors, Pope Francis said it is likely he will hold the ceremony during matriculation at the traditional candle lighting ceremony.