IT’S HAPPENING. If you totally live under a rock and haven’t heard, a recent leak from the Association for Campus Entertainment revealed that the organization will be holding “Springfest, The Rise of Zoom” on April 18th. The live concert will take place simultaneously on Zoom at 7pm Eastern Standard Time for every St. Lawrence student who buys a ticket.
Several days later, ACE announced that the concert will feature a never-before-seen reunion of the three surviving members of Pink Floyd, who will play their hit song “Wish You Were Here” on repeat for the entire duration of the concert. The opener will be the renowned President Fox himself, beatboxing with no accompaniment.
Security has issued a number of guidelines on student behavior at “Springfest, The Rise of Zoom.” The guidelines include the following: “No crowd-surfing. Only students age 21 and older who purchase a drink bracelet may bring in drinks. Security expects you to conduct a full pat-down of yourself at the door. Keep your mic muted at all times, so that nothing distracts other students from the incandescent music of Pink Floyd. If you fail to mute your mic, security will immediately dispatch an officer in a SLU van to your location to mute your mic.”
Ticket and drink bracelet sales will begin next week, and students with tickets will be emailed the link to the Zoom meeting directly before the concert starts. In the event of inclement weather, the concert will be moved to Skype.
In response to concerns over underage alcohol consumption, security has also announced that they will be scanning all student screens for signs of drinks. Any student seen with a drink, whether alcoholic or not, will be forced to show an over-21 bracelet to prove they are of legal age. Should you fail to show a bracelet, security will immediately dispatch an officer in a SLU van to your location to pour out your drink.
Student Life has issued a statement commending ACE for their leadership in overcoming obstacles and still putting Springfest on. “All clubs and organizations should look to the example set by ACE in regards to student activities,” the statement reads. “We would love to see other events still continue. We want to see Zoom book clubs. We want to see Zoom listening parties. And we would love to see Zoom formals, just with no Zoom drinking games, which are not permitted at your social gatherings. Should the University be notified of a Zoom drinking game at your social gathering, security will immediately dispatch an officer in a SLU van to your location to write you a ticket.”
When it comes to “Springfest, The Rise of Zoom,” The Loonie Boonie News has all your coverage, starting next week with a feature interview with President Fox where we ask the age-old question: “Why beatboxing?” We understand why you are excited, so stay tuned for the best behind-the-scenes takes on all things Springfest.
However, be forewarned. In order to get a ticket to “Springfest, The Rise of Zoom,” you will need to go to a location that will be disclosed five minutes before ticket sales begin. Only the first hundred and fifty students will get out alive.