April Fools: Squirrels Cause Biggest University Investigation in the Past Two Years. Campus Security in Crisis!

A garbage bag of decaying squirrels was found behind the Sullivan Student Center on Monday. Safety and Security said they are not yet ready to name a suspect. 

Phil Lint, a pseudonym meant to protect the officer’s identity, said the bag was made of plastic, black, and did not have elastic ties. “I honestly couldn’t piece together how many squirrels were in the bag,” Lint said. “There were more arms and legs than skulls and that’s pretty confusing. They never taught me this shit at Clarkson University.” 

St. Lawrence University President Kathyrn Morris said the school will not rest until the culprit is found. “We will search every student’s room and turn every drawer inside out if it means justice for these animals,” said Morris. “This happened at Butler once and the kid got life without parole, did I mention I used to work at Butler?” 

Morris, however, has drawn some suspicion over the matter. “I always see Morris walking her dog, Comet, on campus,” said Ottis Sherwood ’27, a student who often spends time not in the classroom. “Comet is very cute but I bet that beast could fuck up a squirrel.” 

Lint said that the investigation is still ongoing. “I think it must be a protest because I think people like squirrels here,” said Lint. However, Lint acknowledged the potential role of the student body in the case. “Maybe the kids should stop feeding them Dana food, I think it may be killing them.”