DNC Data Breach Reveals 2020 Presidential Candidates

The 2016 presidential election surprised Americans nationwide. Republicans rejoiced their party’s sweeping victories while Democrats walked away empty-handed. Now it’s 2018, times have changed, and due to yet another system breach of DNC emails, The Hill News acquired a list of five candidates hoping to represent the Democratic Party in 2020.

Tom Brady:

His scouting report once said “Poor build, skinny, lacks great physical stature and strength, lacks mobility and ability to avoid the rush, system-type player who can get exposed if forced to ad lib, get’s knocked down easy.” Five Super Bowl rings and three MVPs later, it’s clear that NFL scouts overlooked Tom Brady’s strengths as a quarterback. Scouts equally ignored Brady’s political leadership qualities. Wit his campaign centered on TB12-sponsored nutrition reform, Tom hopes to become the winningest president in American history and change the national greeting exclusively to kisses on the lips. However, Brady’s political victories are likely to be met with persistent controversy and late penalty flags against the opposition. New Englanders will never let you hear the end of it.

Nicholas Cage:

Known for his ability to star in any (and I mean any) acting role, Nicholas Cage shocked reporters last week when he announced he’d be giving up acting to pursue a career in government. His “Freak-Out Montage” recently became the most viewed YouTube video in history, making Democrats unsure of what to expect from him in presidential debates. However, the general consensus is that Cage’s debate performances will likely consist of bad acting and awkwardly placed statements that make everybody feel slightly uncomfortable. He also might face difficulty pushing his agenda to de-regulate the security of national historical artifacts. Reports indicate that Cage will have to foreclose on yet another of his properties to finance the campaign, but he believes discovering the City of Gold might make up for it.

Chris Di Mezzo:

They couldn’t keep him from the Thelmo presidency and they won’t be able to keep him from the White House. That’s right, SLU’s very own R. Chris Di Mezzo is seeking the presidential nomination for 2020. This year, Di Mezzo gained campus-wide recognition by addressing the school’s meal-plan crisis. Dining dollar premiums are now at an all-time low, waiting lines for stir-fry are in decline, and scrumptious meals like Stacey’s Sausage Rigatoni and Fletcher’s Casserole remain staple features of the Dana Dining Hall menu. In anticipation of his commencement speech, Laurentians flooded the student-center chanting, “Four more years of Di Mezzo!” We’ll see if the rest of the country agrees.

Beyoncé:

There were serious rumors surrounding her bid for the presidency, but now it’s official. Instead of candidate advertisements, Beyoncé plans to release a new album dedicated to announcing her candidacy and policies. Many voters are attracted to Beyoncé for president due to her advocacy for social programs that would prevent Americans from aging. She recently promised that, if elected, she will sing the national anthem at her own inauguration and replace Fergie, who was hoping to re-energize her career after experiencing vocal difficulties at this year’s NBA All-Star Game. Kanye West even publicly stated “Beyoncé would be the best presidential candidate of all time.”

M. Jones:

M. Jones is the only candidate with political experience. On countless occasions, he has supported legislation benefiting the environment, small businesses, and the working class. By refusing to take money from corporate giants, M. Jones is a candidate of the people. Unfortunately, voters have been heavily critical of M. Jones, stating that the candidate lacks charisma, humor and the ability to work a crowd. Jones hopes his inclusive policy agenda will help overcome this criticism.

A recent Hill News survey indicates heavy support for candidates Beyoncé and Tom Brady, while candidate M. Jones continues to drop in the polls. Jones recently expressed consideration of dropping out of the race. “It seems that even in such a critical point in our country’s history, one’s political experience matters little to the American people,” said Jones in an exclusive interview. “I can’t compete with the power and influence that pop-culture has provided to my fellow competitors.” The next presidential election is just two years away.