I know each and every one of us have fallen into the deep trap of roster stalking at some point during our time here at SLU. It is slightly concerning the amount of time I have types “bla bla bla Men’s roster St. Lawrence University” into google, I should probably have it bookmarked by now. BUT you know what, I have absolutely no shame. If I could look up the theme house rosters I would. So to all your girlies and guys out there looking up your fav numbers of varsity teams, you are not alone and I won’t judge. However, I will Judge on what specific teams you are looking up… With that being said, here is what your last roster stalk says about you:
Men’s Take Big Bat and Hit Ball Far – to be frank, you have bad taste in men. I’m sure you have a 4.0 and an amazing work ethic. However, you’re pining after a man whose last book he opened was Diary of a Wimpy Kid in 4th grade. Beside the point, who wants to sit through an enter game of watching men run in circles. Find a smarter man, and a more exciting sport.
Women’s Hit Ball Across Court with Racket – now here are some fabulous women. You are definitely giving me english or gov major vibes. You are probably a little soft spoken, but when you speak its very intelligent and well delivered. The women on this team are definitely top tear and know how to have a good time, so you better be ready to throw down.
Mens Hit Tinny Ball into Hole Team- ooooooooo hunny, you can do better. I just know you have far too big of a personality for them to handle. You are probably the type of person to go pick flowers on a nice spring day and sing loud in the car. On the other hand, golf guys… lack spontaneity. You have too big of a personality to be pining after men who put tiny little balls around all day.
Women’s Skate on Ice and Hit Puck into Net – you are deficiently a strong independent person. The women of said team are absolutely badasses and you definitely match their high energy. Unfortunately, you are the type of person they could easily take to the ground in a single punch. So shoot your shot, or puck, if you’re willing to lose a few teeth.
Men’s Throw Ball around with Stick – please stop right now. You most likely were president of your class in high school and have a resume a mile long. These men, or I guess boys, peaked in high school. The boys are barely pulling off the preppy right of daddy’s boat look, and you are absolutely rocking the fresh from the thrift store look. Move on and find a man with a brighter future, and fashion sense.
Women’s No Hand on Ball into Goal – you better be athletically fit because these women will give you a run for your money, obslly in a good way. Definitely a Sport Studies and Exercise Science minor. In high school you took kickball a little too seriously, but know you have good taste in women… so guess it evens out. The women on said team take no shit, so you better be ready for a strong independent woman.
Mens Run Long Miles for Fun – I’m sorry, if they can pull off short shorts better than you, run right past then babes. I’m sure you’re a little nerdy, giving me history major vibes. Nevertheless, you are the life of the party going after the weird kid in the corner. No one saine runs for fun, so skip yourself the headache, and shin splints, and find yourself a nice man, at the Library perhaps.
Now if you’re the type of person who doesn’t appreciate the varsity sports and you go after the hunting and fishing folks. Yikes. You can leave the country, but the country never leaves you. I’m sorry, but camo and bright orange don’t look good on anyone. Just… move on. Find a hot babe in a theme house instead.
Keep up that stalking babes. XOXO
Was this part of the April Fool’s edition? If not, it’s obvious the sexism seminars and general “wokeness” wave of the last year have had a few Hill News writers M.I.A.- particularly Brynn Aston! Perhaps the writer was online somewhere else?
Sadly, even it this is meant to be considered comic or satiric, it fails IMHO- using rusty stereotypes and dull ‘wit’. Spend the next weekend sharpening your ‘tools’ – and not just your pencil.