The Hill’s Final Issue: Thanks Thelmo!
There is a cliché saying that all good things must eventually come to an end. Fortunately for us, that repetitive cliché won’t apply. The Thelomathesian Society was right. The Hill News has long poisoned the eyes of our readership. So much so that, apparently, we no longer have readers at all! Thankfully this is the last time you, or any Laurentian for that matter, will ever have to ingest the garbage that the THN produces. As you may be able to tell, this is the final ever edition of THN.
After a long debate for funding, the editorial board waived the white flag to the intellectually superior Thelmo e-board and laid as a dog would at their feet. We decided that they were right all along: why would a free-thinking college campus ever need a student-run newspaper to hold those in power accountable? They wouldn’t! Freedom of the press? We’ve never heard of it. Besides, who likes a good noble fight these days anyway. It’s so much easier to move out of the steamrollers way than it is to lay down in front of it, not a care if your favorite park gets destroyed in the process. Criticism slows down progress!
The less people that Thelmo and the St. Lawrence administration have questioning them, the quicker they can assert their will across campus. We came to the realization that we have long held this advancement back. THN unfairly opened leadership up to completely unwarranted and useless criticism that totally never changed SLU for the better. The voices of our campus community are completely represented by the SLU administration, and they surely know exactly what we need. Any student feedback would simply be a waste of ink because everyone is totally satisfied with the way things are. As the wise philosopher Bean Tooker once said, “The status quo is the way to go.”
So, what’s next for the editorial board? Now that we don’t have to waste our time publishing our God-awful paper, we can get back to making campus better. We have all decided that drinking seven days a week is a perfect replacement for the time we formally allotted to THN, and instead of writing for the paper, all of our journalistic efforts will be put into Yik Yak posts. Yik Yak is honestly too reliable of a source anyways, so we might as well go and taint their platform as well. Never again will our names touch a paper, instead they will anonymously supplement the Yak.
Many have said that free press is the root of any democratic society. We don’t buy that for a second. Rather, a free press Is better coined as a hindrance to progress. Lastly, here are some parting words of advice SLU. Never let someone else’s writing challenge your beliefs. You’re always right. Stomp out any organization that stands for change and equity. Always follow the example set by your superiors! And never forget, always check the date of the paper… Happy April Fools!