Dear Profs: Please Take a Deep Breath and Crack a Cold One with the Homies

Now that we are reaching the end of this rushed semester, students and professors alike are succumbing to “zoom fatigue.” This semester has been incredibly hard on faculty, who have had to teach classes on zoom and without breaks. It seems that the end isn’t coming soon enough as students complain that fed up professors are beginning to snap. 

A History professor went to desperate measures to end class early by pretending that her internet had cut out. “CAN’T TA—BREAK—ING UP—GOING THROUGH—TUNNEL!” she yelled into the microphone before the meeting closed abruptly. Students began to suspect deception when they recalled that she had clearly been teaching from her home office as she has all semester.

According to our sources, students from the Anthropology department are rejoicing. In lieu of final presentations, an exhausted professor has designated the last two weeks of class as “nap time.” 

A Psychology professor specializing in mental wellness is said to have broken down crying when a student failed to share his screen for the third time. “My training didn’t prepare me for this!” the exasperated professor allegedly shouted before turning off his camera and microphone for the rest of the class time.

Things are not looking good for the Economics department either. Macro students, according to an anonymous source, have been studying nothing but fractions, decimals, and Harry Styles for the past two weeks as the professor’s 12-year-old takes charge of the Zoom sessions.

Similarly, a Philosophy professor allegedly let his husky moderate classes in his absence for several days. An anonymous student stated of the canine-led sessions that “the discussions were great, but the lectures were hard to follow.”

One Studio Art professor took a different route, literally. Tired of sitting down, he instead took a jog, sometimes even a hike in the North Country. It took students several weeks to adapt to the camera-off and the heavy breathing. “He was always so out of breath,” one student said. “It’s one of the most exhausting classes I’ve ever taken.”

An FYS professor was reported to have zoomed in from the toilet. Apparently, the session and the bowel movement both went smoothly. However, several students were disturbed when the professor leaned to the side to wipe while visiting their breakout room, but other students were supportive. “I really don’t mind it,” said an anonymous sophomore, “It’s good to know that they’re just like us.” When confronted, the professor defended his actions adamantly saying, “Some of my colleagues eat in class and we’re fine with that! How much difference does it make whether things are coming in the front, or leaving out the back?!”

Finally, a professor from the English department cancelled class short notice via email, reportedly citing that she was “so fucking done.” 

These are just some of the incidents reported to The Hill News in this past week. We are sure there are many more waiting to be discovered and reported. So, if you notice that your professors are acting strangely or beginning to snap, please remember that this semester has been as hard on them as it has been on us. The end is in sight, so for the time that’s left, give them a little leeway and make sure to show them your appreciation.