Due to Zombie-Like Symptoms, Administration Announces Professors to Cancel All Finals

With increased reporting of zombie-like symptoms from students and professors alike, the Administration at St. Lawrence University announced this week that all professors should cancel their finals. 

These zombie symptoms include bloodshot eyes, mono-toned voices, open-hanging mouths during Zoom lecture, lack of motivation, inability to type papers, delayed grading, mental breakdowns, crying over spilled milk, and a multitude of other symptoms. 

As we near the end of the third semester of Zoom University, it comes as no surprise how prominent these symptoms have become among all students and faculty. 

Despite the persistence of this zombie-like behavior, some staff members were initially resistant to canceling final exams. 

Professors in science departments thought this might be a huge setback to their students’ progress but after intense screening and evaluation, the Administration determined that even they are susceptible to zombie-symptoms.

Regarded researchers and scientists have come together to determine what is really causing these symptoms. Is it solely Zoom? Is it that some professors tried to squeeze a traditional fifteen-semester syllabus into this shortened spring semester? Is it just the insurmountable stress about the world around us? 

After just one day of observing Zoom lectures, these researchers determined Zoom is at the forefront for these symptoms, but there are several underlying causes as well. This increased screen time (many students reported averaging 9 hours a day), leads to extreme exhaustion, poor sleep habits, and burn-out at alarming rates. 

Researchers are trying to determine whether there are any cures to the zombie-symptoms or what cautions can be taken to slow them down. 

They recommended drinking water, going for a walk, or doing yoga. More permanent measures are currently being investigating, including an anti-zombie symptom vaccine. 

With the compilation of this information along with student and professor testimonials, the administration unanimously decided to make this announcement of the cancellation of all finals. 

Surprisingly, during the private testimonials with students and professors, more professors were found to break-down and cry. Many expressed the extreme pressure of trying to stay strong for their students while also having to motivation to grade or even assign any work. Student testimonies matched this sentiment, expressing little-to-no motivation for exams or paper writing, as well as concern for their professor’s well-being. 

The announcement has been received well by most students and professors. The announcement was accompanied by reminders for self-care and to enjoy the increasingly warm spring weather while still abiding by the Laurentian Pact and other health-guidelines. 

With that, the administration wishes everyone a delightful April Fools Day.