Why I Didn’t Watch Any of the Oscar Best Picture Nominees

Let’s face it, the Oscar nominees are the quinoa of movies. So tough to get through, not really all that enjoyable, but people say you’ll feel good at the end. The only issue is, who has the time for all that? 

Our parents used to make us shut off the TV so we would read a book, now parents are begging their kids to watch a movie instead of consuming content in 30-second bursts of clickbait and lazy comedy. My attention span is so short that sometimes I can’t even finish reading street signs. I complained for weeks that best picture nominee “The Irishman,” with its three hour and forty minute run time, was far too long for me to commit to. 

Often these bouts of complaining were followed by five-hour deep dives into the depths of Youtube. As a society, we need immediate payoff. Not a movie with strong cinematography, complex dialogue, and rich character development. Besides, one of the movies, “Parasite,” is in a different language. My English has been reduced to about twelve slang words that originated on the internet in the past two years. By the time I finish comprehending one of the subtitles, the movie will be in the third act. 

Some of the nominees hit too close to home for me to watch. “Marriage Story,” a realistic depiction of divorce, will easily bring back the trauma of my second cousin’s parents having their own marital struggles, only with a far less attractive couple. “Ford v Ferrari” is the same battle that happened every day in my high school parking lot. Only instead of a Ford, I had a bicycle, and I think the Ferrari might just be a figment of my imagination. “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” actually looks pretty cool. It’s written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, who I’m told is very talented, and it has Brad Pitt who certainly moves the needle. I definitely could have motivated myself to expend a little brain power on this one, until I accidentally watched a seven minute video outlining the entire plot. Not all was lost, as now I have enough information to discuss the movie at parties, and I even stole a few opinions about the themes as well. It’s okay, because nothing is original anymore. One of the movies, “Little Women,” is based on a book, which is extremely useful if the book is assigned in your literature class, but not really for anything else. Let’s face it, the only nominee any of us actually saw was “Joker,” and even that was a bit of a grind to get through once it became clear that Marvel had nothing to do with it. I also didn’t learn how to pronounce “Joaquin Phoenix” until it was far too late. I had already told everyone what a coincidence it was that they got a guy named “Jokin” to play the Joker. I will note that there were a few snubs. I’m not entirely sure about the rules of the academy, but “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” and “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift” were definitely robbed. 

At the end of the day, there’s nothing you can do to prevent yourself from feeling intellectually inferior while watching the Oscars. But, make sure you stay tuned for the whole thing, because one of the presenters might say something racist. And the next day, if someone starts talking about the tragic humor of “Jojo Rabbit,” or the technical precision of “1917,” just  call it a “triumph.” It will buy you enough time to get back to your phone.