Hey Saints! We’re back, and hopefully you are too! Because everything else is changing right now, we figured we might as well change one more thing. This semester, Dear Dub will transition back to an advice column, where we take questions from students on our Instagram (@sludub) and answer them here (think Carrie Bradshaw, but without the unrealistically-sized closet). Ask us a question each week before Monday at 5 p.m. on anything related to gender, sex, sexuality or the like! We will keep your identity anonymous, don’t worry.
This week’s question has no doubt plagued many of our fellow Saints. Coming from Instagram, one of our followers asked: “what should I do if I’m not interested in someone anymore? How do I let them down easy?”
A perplexing situation indeed. Let’s start off by eliminating the most common and most damaging option: ghosting. Now a part of popular culture, ghosting is when you’d rather not see someone again, so instead of dealing with the problem, you cut them off completely. Common symptoms include opened Snapchats, texts with “Read Yesterday” glaring beneath, and that all-too-familiar aversion of the eyes as you walk across campus. Getting ghosted sucks. We don’t like Caspers here.
When you cut off someone, you are showing them that you not only don’t want to be around them anymore, but also that you don’t care about them enough to have a conversation with them about it. It’s an incredibly awkward thing, to sit in front of someone and tell them that they aren’t really what you’re looking for right now, but it shows them that you honor them as a human being.
Repeat after me: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but the connection we have isn’t what I’m looking for right now.” Memorize it. Get a tramp-stamp of it. Say it every night before bed like a prayer. When you need it, send it in a text or say it to their face. It will make you feel bad, and it will probably make them sad. Sit in that discomfort.
In the (currently slow) hook-up culture of St. Lawrence and beyond, we avoid communication because we feel like it brings unnecessary order to a spontaneous situation. “It’s not like I want to date her”, or “I don’t want them to think I’m clingy”, or “I just need him to text me first.” No more. Ditch the habit of hoping someone else will understand what you want instead of simply telling them what you want. Be as kind as you can be, knowing at the end of the day clear communication will only help both of you, even if it shows you that you want different things.
I heard some great advice this week from an old friend. Actually, in the spirit of honesty, I saw it on TikTok. I’m self-conscious about it, and the fact that China has my information now. Anyways, it was this love coach guy that was answering a person’s question about how they should talk to their partner about the next step in their relationship. He said to start by telling them what you want—in this case, that you don’t want to keep a relationship going with someone—and then to ask them what they feel about this. It starts from a place of sincerity and confidence, and ends with empathy.
Dub Instagram follower, I hope this helps your predicament. This campus is far too small to avoid someone, so you might as well be up front about it! Speaking of which, if you’re wondering how to handle hook-up culture in the age of coronavirus, join our Zoom Dub Club (the link will be posted on our Instagram) next Tuesday, September 15 at 8 p.m. on masturbation—because if this is all way too complicated for you, you might as well do it yourself.