On Thursday, April sixth, I was sitting in Carbonate Sedimentology working on a lab
when my phone buzzed indicating an outlook notification. I check my phone and, realizing I
received two emails, I dropped down the notifications so that I could look at both. On top,
received at 11:12 a.m. was the most anticipated and exciting email a student can receive: the
one entitled “Package is Ready for Pick-Up!” In this blur of chaotic excitement that can only be
felt by a student getting a package, I glance at the email received at 11:11 a.m. I read the sender
as “President’s Office,” and saw the phrase “sexual assault,” at which point I decided to put
down my phone and finish my lab. I was planning Teal Week at this point, and figured I would
respond to another assault email later when I sit down to work on advocates things. This is just
one of the many emails about assault I have in my email at any given moment, and it wasn’t
flagged as important, so I know it is not about an active case I am working with. I had a package
though, nothing else really mattered.
It was at 12:03 a.m., as I was walking up the stairs of the student center to the Advocates
office that I received another email. This one from Lindsey Cohen, entitled “Following up on the
message from the President.” I opened this email right away. I read as she explained how, in
regard to the message regarding the assault on campus, she is available as a resource to our
advocates if needed. This is when I decided to open the email from the President’s office. Damn.
This world sucks, but we know this already.
I continue my planning and emailing until my weekly executive board meeting with our
advisor at 6:00 p.m., where the first thing we are asked is how we are holding up since the news.
I am fine, I honestly didn’t think this was that big of a deal. People are assaulted every day, just
because this one is publicized doesn’t make it different than the multiple ongoing title IX cases
and trials at the school right now.
It was that night that the texts started rolling in and I realized that this was going to shake
campus. It was the text I received at 6:56 P.M., saying “…I was wondering if u knew if there
were any protests or anything going on because I rlly want to show support to the survivor in this
but idrk how and I’m also just rlly angry and frustrated w our school,” that really made me
realize that people are caring.
People are mad and wanting to make an active effort? I didn’t even know what to do in
this moment, as no one ever cares. The next few hours were spent planning, analyzing, and
talking to peers. I decided to end my night around 9:00 P.M. with some funky candies and a trip
to visit my roommate in the student center. I was sitting at my roommate’s table, crocheting a
hat, when I saw a small crowd silently hanging up white posters all around the third floor. I
remember thinking to myself “wow, this is the revolution.” Then security angrily came and
ripped them down approximately an hour later. They were too late. The message was out, so was
the court case. This was the beginning.
Leading up to Sunday, April 9, the QR code to the trial case was released, the students
were planning a protest, and the forum had been announced. As someone who has extensive
experience with these issues, I was truly torn as to what to do next. I want to think critically and
rationally, but I don’t want to be seen as someone who doesn’t support the students’ need to
create an outlet for their anger towards their administration. This is such a difficult position to be
in, because once you have been trained on this extensively, it is easy to become villainized as a
supporter of those who are the target of the anger. I needed to find a way to make it clear that I
have, am, and will always be a resource for the students and will fight for them, but I needed to
do this while making calculated moves. I hate capitalism and the politicization of these issues
more than anybody I know. I make it clear that I will always remain an activist and never fall
under the politician category, but this becomes difficult when you’re able to be involved in both
sides of the argument.
I will firstly address the open statement that went out to the student body as well as the
QR code. This was such a powerful move that truly brought the issues to the student body’s
attention. The student in me was amazed and excited that people are finally paying attention. It
took me a few days to realize, though, that there were some issues with this act of rebellion. I
consider myself to be unfortunately desensitized to these issues, but even I was not willing to
read the roughly 60 pages detailing graphic depictions of rape. This is a terrible thing to release
to students, as many of them are not prepared for this type of content. Also, many students were
rallied by the letter, but unwilling to commit that much time to reading the letter, so they just
used the ones who did read it as their primary source. This began the spread of an incredible
amount of false information that worsened this situation. Though I do think that what was
outlined in the letter needed to be said, I believe the readers should have been addressed more. It
was very eloquently written and wonderfully informed, but it was interpreted many wrong ways.
Instead of rallying passion for change, it inspired rage. These two things often go hand in hand,
and are an incredibly impactful duo when wielded cautiously, but the spread of false information
was a cause for concern. Though executed nicely for such a short amount of time, it might have
caused more fear than inspiration.
Secondly during these three days, planning the forum seemed like the best option after
the protest. I made the choice not to attach the Advocates name to or endorse the protest. My
reasons were twofold: My main reason was to preserve the intention behind the protest. To show
that the students want to be heard. If I associated the Advocates name with this event that was
being organized by the students communicating through yik yak, that seemed as though it would
take power away from the individuals. I didn’t want to diminish or take credit for the work that
these students were doing all on their own. My second reason was simply to, a little selfishly,
protect my organization and its members if anything were to go wrong. The coupling of the
forum after the protest was a wise decision, as it gave students a chance to show their anger in an
unofficial setting. If the student body was able to show how mad they were and have an outlet
for said anger, then maybe they would be able to channel their anger into something more
productive and strategic.
The students were coming to me with concerns of safety, which is the most valid thing to
be feeling in an instant like this. Chi Omega Vice President Courtney Lynn shared that she was
“scared, not only for myself, but for the house of girls who I find myself responsible for. How
are we supposed to know we are safe?”
That night I slept in the house on the couch because I didn’t want to walk home. This was
the first time I have ever felt unsafe on my campus.
The worst part for me was how the Advocates were left out of the letter from the
president. There was a list of resources that was reviewed by a board and confirmed, but
somehow, we were glossed over. We had nobody on the phone that week because the people
who put so much effort into selflessly taking the phone with no benefit to themselves felt as
though their work was not important enough to the administration to even acknowledge out
presence. Yeah, we are not counselors, but we are peers. The work that I have seen these people
put in is something that personally inspires me to be better. It was heartbreaking to see the group
of the most empathetic and selfless people on campus lose hope that what they are doing is worth
something. We felt invisible.
Retired EMS director Curtis Armory said that he immediately noticed that the Advocates
were not included in the email and that he was “not surprised but extremely disappointed.”
The day of the protest was ominous. Our group of roughly 50 students of every type of
gender presentation walked to the president’s house at 1:00 p.m. sharp. I stood in the back and
heard small mumbles of policy and procedure but could not make out a full sentence. I was there
for support, so I did not much mind the lack volume, but it did seem a bit odd. As we approached
the yard, the half circle of administrators were standing there waiting for us with Kate Morris
posted right in the middle. It seemed very sterile and quiet, and that was when I knew that the
answers were going to be prepared and lawyer approved. They were ready for us, and it was
clear. That begged me to ask the question; if they were so prepared, why were they so quiet?
Between the cars driving by and the sound of heavy bass coming from Beta’s darty, if you
weren’t in the front row, you weren’t going to hear clear answers. Was this intentional? If
administration was able to monitor Yik Yak so closely and assemble all the king’s horses and all
the kings men in such a short period of time, it’s hard to believe that not a single person there
thought about the aspect of volume. Then again, no one thought about the Advocates as a
resource, so I guess expecting discord is the new norm.
We walked home extremely unsatisfied and a bit dazed as we reflected over what had just
happened. My friend who I was walking home with mentioned something along the lines of
“wow, they truly are trained politicians.” We were referring to the fact that we felt like nobody
really got an answer to any of their questions, but we got talked in circles until we forgot the
point of the question entirely. We pieced together what we had heard, and acknowledged the fact
that President Morris is one to admit to her mistakes which we saw. Though it is a very
respectable trait, the term “learning experience” was thrown around too loosely when referring to
these mistakes.
Think about the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Great, now I want you to
imagine it got publicized. This is truly a low point, and all you can do is muster all your strength
to continue marching forward. But hey! At least it was a learning experience for the people who
are talking about it! Do you feel better? Or maybe I am testing the strength of my window,
throwing pebbles, then stones, then rocks, seeing how strong my window truly is. Eventually I
throw my rock and it goes clean through the glass pane and shatters the window. Cool, now I
know not to throw that big of a rock at a window… but the window is still broken.
How many windows have to be collateral damage until we finally learn to stop throwing
stones at glass. How many people, people who have lives, how many of them have to be
collateral damage until we can figure out how to work with survivors?
Tuesday night, the delightfully dreaded and anticipated night of the Dub’s semesterly
Take Back the Night in the chapel, where survivors get a chance to reclaim the voice and power
that was so disgustingly taken from them. Typically, there are around 5 speakers (from my
experience as an attendee) and the room is always packed full. This time was different. There
were 13 speakers in a room dotted with empty seats. I spoke to Izzy, a senior executive member
of the Dub, about why she thought it was different. She told me,
“I was surprised by the number of people that came to Take Back the Night; usually, we
(the Dub) have to seat people in the chapel’s balcony, and on Tuesday, everyone fit downstairs. I
think this is because people are tired. Tired of trying to be heard by an institution that
continuously lets them down, a space that is supposed to be safe and supportive and is instead
perpetuating sexual violence across their campus. I feel so grateful to be a part of putting Take
Back the Night together because our event provides a space for speakers to take their power
back. I am so proud of each of the speakers who shared their experience last week, along with
everyone who has spoken at this event before.”
This is a feeling that is shared by a lot of campus. This feeling of helplessness against the
greater force. I too shared this feeling after the event, which I couldn’t even stay until the end
for. I sat on a bench after I spoke and just watched campus for a bit. I saw people having a good
night on their way to blues, those who were just sitting, watched people go to the field to scream,
and I saw people outside just crying together. Campus always feels different after take back the
night, but it felt less powerful and more remorseful. As if, though we were reclaiming ourselves,
we were acknowledging the fact that we are still here in a place where it seems nothing can be
done. There was one common factor between all the people I saw that night, that none of them
were alone. Anyone who was hurting had someone by their side. All the speakers were shrouded
in a blanket of support from their peers.
Izzy continued her statement by telling me, “I think it is incredible that we can hold an event that, most of the time, we are unaware what our speakers will share, and we back them up nonetheless. It’s so powerful. And this is why I still have hope for SLU, not because of the institution but because of the people. We, as the Dub, put on this event ourselves because we believe this event is important, along with our speakers, the individuals who come to the event, and those who support outside of the space. This safe space is created by our compassionate work as students, and the institution’s actions are not a reflection of who we are or of our continuous work to make this campus better.”
The next night, roughly 200 students filled the Winston room. Statements were made,
stories were shared, and questions were asked… really good questions. There were a few very
clear issues that the students brought up. Firstly, my question on behalf of the Advocates
regarding the reason behind the exclusion of our organization from the resources. This was a
mistake made due to a rushed process, accountability was taken and profuse apologies were
made. The other mistakes that were regarded was that of admin accidentally telling Jane Doe she
was not entitled to her own counsel and having courses taught by Morales available to be
registered for. President Morris again took accountability, which was nice to see, though
inexplicably unsettling.
Questions regarding clarity were met with answers of due process and policy and
procedures, which is sadly the least satisfying truth. The Title IX process is something that is so
rarely research, but so often questioned. The school is legally bound to confidentiality, in the
same way that CA’s are mandated reporters. It is not a show of support for rapists from the
school, but another unfortunate side effect of the politicization of these issues.
The question of what distinguishes due process vs timely matter was one that got a lot of
attention, as it was backed up beautifully by the example case at Columbia University. That got a
very unsure response of passing blame, saying that the school can’t control factors such as law
enforcement and people’s work schedules. Luckily Lindsey was there to save the day during
these types of questions and reassure the students that action is being taken.
The main topic of conversation towards the end was that of what happens next. The
answers were consistently what was done after this same issue during October of 2021, but
obviously that didn’t work perfectly so this answer just made the students visibly more upset.
Eventually, we were given clear steps as to what the plan is for the summer, and that will be
something that the student body can look forward to. The forum ended on the solid idea that prevention was the way to go, and that we as students should reach out if we have any ideas on how to spread awareness about prevention.
Me oh my, if only there was an entire club dedicated to this, led by someone who has dedicated their
entire life to this mission. This is not a simple task of, “well let’s just stop it before it happens.”
There is a reason abstinence only education schools have the highest teen pregnancy rates. The
idea that the best way to not get hurt skiing is to not go skiing is incredibly juvenile and ignorant.
Sometimes people just want to ski, teenager just want to have sex, and rapists just feel the need
to rape people. Telling someone not to rape is not the fix-all solution. The incredibly tragic fact
is that this is a capitalist issue. We raised a record-breaking amount of money for the renewal
house this teal week because we spent enough money on shirts so that people would buy them
and come participate in the event. We lost almost half of our budget for the semester, but we got
people talking and we truly did accomplish our teal week goal.
I spoke to Morgan M., the SLU student ambassador targeted at awareness for mental
health who said “Regarding last week, I am disappointed in the SLU administration and how the situation was handled— and my opinion unfortunately didn’t change with the forum that was held.
Hopefully going forward there will be more consideration put towards the faculty hired, more in
depth background checks, and the student body actually being taken into consideration when a
professor is being added to the class list.”
I will note to this that a background check was performed involving many different
channels, and there was no solid evidence against Morales. That being said, if we know that
there were previous allegations, the professionals should have known as well. Though I know
that there cannot be discrimination based on an allegation in the hiring process for legal
protection reasons, it does seem unsettling that he had to be looked into so much and was still
hired regardless of evidence.
To sum up the overall sentiments I received from the forum, Lindsey is a saint, Kate
Morris is in purgatory, and Rance is a sinner. The students still were not satisfied but left feeling
slightly better and somewhat hopeful.
On Thursday, Marissa Cohen, a six-time NYT bestselling author and number one college speaker came and spoke and how to support your friends and have bystander intervention. Roughly four people attended. Friday, we held another event to raise money for the renewal house. We made maybe $50. The weekend came and went with barely any talk about what had happened the week
before. At the forum, students were demanding clarity and more information about the Title IX
trial, which was super great to hear that people wanted to learn. I worked with Lindsey Cohen,
and she gave a presentation on Tuesday, April 19, about how the process works. Two people
attended.
This is where my reflection on the student body starts. Every year, there is one week
where the student body becomes one collective force in search of justice, and just as fast as it
began it ends once the week is over. Yes, I know there will still be articles about this, and people
will ask me what happened every now and then, but the attendance at our events will remain the
same. I had so many people come up to me and ask how they can be involved and what they can
do to help show their support and create a change during the events of last week. This week
those same people don’t even remember my name. I am not trying to villainize the student body
by any means, the way everyone banded together was incredible to watch and truly inspired me
to continue this work. But it saddens me to watch that passion fizzle as people settle back into
their daily lives. October 2021, we saw the same thing. People fell complacent and forgot about
their goal: long lasting impact.
What can you do to help? Get trained, come to events, learn how the system works so that you can change the things that make you mad. Being an activist is an amazing thing, but you need to stay an activist for more than the week. This case was big and horrible, but this happens to students around the world every single day who receive the same treatment, but it doesn’t get the same attention, so no one tries to change it. People still suffer after teal week. This is me asking you to advocate for all the Jane and John Does during the anger and even after the initial shock has passed.
I have come out of this week with a much greater respect for Kate Morris as she has been
working restlessly so appease your demands. Nobody wants to see assault on their campus.
Sometimes change is made, and the conversations just aren’t really important enough to be
shared. People can only see what went wrong with this trial, and though the mistakes are not to
be overlooked or forgotten, we should be looking as well at what is being done to meet our
demands.
I don’t think I would go as far as to agree with President Morris on her score of an A-, I
think I would give the way this was handled collectively by students and administration a
cumulative C+. I would like to leave you with the statements made by Izzy and Morgan at the
end of their statements.
Izzy W. said, “After President Morris’s inattentive email about the sexual assault case regarding
Ernesto Morales, I hope the University knows that we as students will not stand for this and will
continue to fight back until the voices of survivors are heard.”
Morgan M. added, “I thank the advocates for the dedication, awareness, and support they have provided during this time, as well as the urge to be passionate about this for more than one week. People are affected by assault daily, this does not end here. Keep your passion.”