April Fools: New Club Extravaganza
New Investment Club
A new investment club called SLU NO Debt Investors has been started. Club President Tate Forris said the aim of the club as. “challenge students to make good investments in order to get a hypothetical business out of dangerous levels of debt,” Forris said. When asked if this had anything to do with recent financial news regarding St. Lawrence, Forris said such a question was “inappropriate” and constituted “yellow journalism.” When I requested further comment, I was sent my full home address and a picture of myself sleeping. So don’t miss out on this Frat magnet of a club!
Elections Club
With the big 2024 Federal elections right around the corner, a new club aims to engage members of SLU with the greatest process democracy has to offer! The club will hold votes and uh… uh… yeah… looking at my notes that’s uh… about it. They just vote- on everything. If I had to hold a vote, I would vote on if my bitch ex-wife should take the house and the kids.
Debate Club doesn’t quite take off
A new Debate Club was formed by students looking for a space to debate here on campus. The future was looking bright for this new club. However, one member raised a controversial debate topic; “Should we have a debate club? I argue that confining debate to a club is counterproductive,” Said Jack Meeoff ’25. The President of the club responded, “Nice argument, however, you are the soyjack and I, the chad. And I say, Debate Club is the best club on campus.” The debate raged back and forth, and subsequently, the club was too busy arguing to actually file the paperwork.
Trump Impression Club
Finally, a space for kids on campus to feel free to let fly their best Trump impressions! I spoke with the president, Dick Chaney ’81, on his new club. “Folks, we now have, the best club on campus. I— we simply are the greatest club, to ever exist and I’ll say it again for the fake news journalists in the back— we are the— best— club on campus, am I right folks? *crowd cheering* I’m thinking I’m always right!” He said before quickly leaving the empty room for a “meeting with ‘Ol smoky Joe and the shit pile.”
Cold Swimming Club ends in tragedy
A brand-new Cold Swimming Club ends their first outing in tragedy. The club, who advertised as a club “that will swim in cold water”, held their first swim last week in the St. Lawrence River. unexpectedly, all nine members died of hypothermia in the water. “It’s like slamming your knee into the nightstand in your dark room, we could never have known, tragedy strikes when you least expect it,” said Mark McSavor, a lifeguard who was watching the boys swim from his boat.
Admin Announces new Anti-GILF Student Task Force
A full year after the GILF insurgency began, the administration has yet to gain a stranglehold over the group. In light of this, the administration has announced a new student-led task force it hopes will finally bring down this menace to our community, and it may already be working. The GILF, or Garfield Ichnographic Liberation Front, has recently split into the GYATT, or Garfield International Fighters for Feline Freedom (the acronym is German). And the SWUGMA, or… how about you SWUGMA balls lol.