April Fools: Disney’s Snow White Remake Breaks Record
Disney has cooked again. The live-action Snow White remake, set to be the biggest box office boom of the century, is about to hit theaters for the first time ever. This all-new, never-before-told 270-million-dollar story is a gripping tale that tells children and adults alike one clear message: it’s totally okay to kiss strangers while they sleep.
Some of the characters that Disney has been so kind to introduce to us include an old witch with healthy coping mechanisms for aging, a young girl who’s supposed to have a good haircut, a man who sees no issue in stalking, a realistic rendition of a mirror on a wall, six dwarves that represent the emotional capacity of boomers, and Happy, a seventh dwarf that is supposed to always show an emotion nobody has experienced since childhood.
The story presented so far is the single most realistic and relatable piece of writing ever conceived by man. It follows the journey of a young, presumably underage, woman who runs away from home and stays in a cabin in the woods with seven strange dudes with emotional issues. To the credit of the stepmother, having a stepdaughter who could be considered more attractive than you is an entirely good reason to crash out and order her killed. It is all tied together by a not-at-all-creepy young man who stalks her through the CGI forest in an attempt to stick his tongue down her throat while she sleeps off a poisoned apple that she took from another stranger. There is no character development in this movie because people never change. Truly, the writing of this film has the markings of being an absolute banger that will really hit people in the feels.
Beyond the exceptional writing, the stylistic choices of the movie are truly unmatched. The CGI quality of the seven dwarfs even supersedes the quality shown in 2009’s Avatar, especially in terms of budget. Speaking of which, the choice to animate the dwarves with computers adds a realistic element to the viewing of the movie. The computer rendition of a forest presented in the movie showcases the unmatched development of computers. The rendering of realistic nature scenes, seen in shades of expertly-chosen green, showed promise in the trailers, only rivaled in visual appeal by a garbage dump on trash day.