April Fools: Cab Ellis Dead! (1932-2014)

In a tragic turn of events, Java–favorite and widow’s peak enthusiast Cab Ellis passed away Tuesday, March 26. The Ellis estate has confirmed his death was caused by complications in a duel with a homeless Elvis Presley impersonator stationed in a dumpster behind the Destiny USA shopping mall in Syracuse, New York.

Taxi “Cab” Ellis lived a long and vibrant life during his 60+ years of dedication to the craft of SoundCloud rap. At a memorial ceremony, Mike Okneedsarub, a longtime friend of Ellis, performed a somber rendition of Ellis’ classic track “GOAT” produced by DJ Jacks Green (shoutout to my boy). Okneedsarub was accompanied by Sir Elton John on piano and background vocals by the ghost of England’s Rose, Diana, Princess of Wales. When asked to remark on the occasion, Diana said Ellis’ passing was the greatest loss to cultural consciousness since the Lindbergh baby kidnapping of 1932.

Ellis infamously inspired Diana’s timeless statement, “I want my boys to have an understanding of people’s emotions, their insecurities, people’s distress, and their hopes and dreams.” Ellis also inspired her son, Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex’s classic quote, “My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatized. The last place I wanted to be was frostnipistan. I had been trying some home remedies, including one recommended by a friend.” That friend, of course, is Cab Ellis himself.

Upon the story regarding Ellis’ death, Elton John was happily elaborated on the circumstances: “The Presley impersonator approached Ellis after a recent performance at the Baby’s All Right music venue in Brooklyn, New York – not to be confused with Brooklyn Queen, the YouTube starlight best known for her hit music video ‘Keke Taught Me.’ Frankly, she is the real hero of this story.” John went on for an additional 30 minutes about his love for Queen, intermittently snorting a line of used drywall every few minutes. Nothing to worry about, John claims he has a prescription for the drywall from Ozempic spokesperson Billy Gardell.

John continues, “So, Presley said he was a huge fan of [Ellis’ hit song] ‘Dogsittin” and wanted the rights to stream the song under his own name. Ellis obviously declined which promoted Presley to challenge Ellis to a duel – pistols at dawn. Thanks to the encouragement of his bandmates, Ellis accepted.” John continues speaking about the type of pistols commonly used in duels of this caliber, dating over 400 years of dueling history, unprompted.

“Later that night, they arrive in the middle of the Tri-Borough Bridge, which – now, why the hell did they rename it to the RFK Bridge? What has that Yankee bastard ever done for New York City? He’s got more cold-blooded Boston guilt inside of him than–” The Hill News had to censor the remainder of John’s quote for the well-being of Bostonian integrity.

John stated that Ellis and Presley barricaded the bridge, causing less traffic than on an average Friday night. They stood back-to-back and walked nine paces until suddenly, Ellis began choking. A stray piece of expired cantaloupe lodged its way into his sternum, causing Ellis to begin asphyxiating and tumble to the ground.

However, it was not the melon that killed Ellis. In fact, he fell into a large pile of prescription drywall, triggering an unfortunate overdose.

According to onlookers, Ellis’ final words were, “Too busy chasing the cheese, they forgot about the trap.”

Ellis is lived on by the remainder of the band, many of whom you may see return to St. Lawrence University in the next few months, and his estranged sons, Island and Calloway.

One moment… we are now getting reports that Cab Ellis is still alive and well… Yes, it is confirmed. Update: a taxi driver in Syracuse brutally murdered a fashionably dressed Kentucky man named Grace Land whilst playing a serenade of “Candle in the Wind.” We are deeply sorry for the confusion.