Hailey Bieber or Selena Gomez? Pat Decides

Yo, whassup’ dawgs. How’s it goin’? You’re listening to the editor for the features section of THN—some would say the best section of the paper (many are saying this) (real). Anyway, you might be wondering what I’m doing manning the A&E trench this week, and the answer is: I’ve come to bring you some excellent content, and because I love our A&E readers. (In Trump voice) ‘best readers in the world folks, they’re great readers, possibly the best in the world, definitely the best in America folks.’ So, without stalling any longer, let’s jump right into it.

And jumping right back out of it for a second I have no idea what is going on in the world of pop culture, so I’ve got some recommendations from Ashle here, oh sorry AshleE. There are two e’s apparently, because I guess one just isn’t good enough, and GOD FORBID you forget the second e. I mean, if you forget the second e, you should probably just auto-defenestrate yourself, and if you don’t know what the means, just put Google away and don’t bother cause you’re probably not gonna’ make it. Anyway, I’ll actually get into it so we can both get out of here and so you can go back to stabbing your boss to death in your mind as he denies your raise request, and I can get back to repressing dark thoughts with meds so powerful they are borderline neurochemical weapons.

So, let’s see what we got here (lights cigarette and flips page like a 1970s LA detective). Selena Gomez and Hailey Bieber. Is Selena still relevant? She fell off in like 2010, my god. Y’all remember “Wizards of Waverly Place?” That show was the pinnacle of childhood television. What I would give to go back to being seven, watching the Disney Channel, without a care in the world. Now I can’t even go three paragraphs in a silly article without reflecting on the brutality of late-stage corporatism and the hyper-pharamceuiticalization of children. Aaaaaanyway, I have no idea what’s up with Selena Gomez, so let me just Google that real quick and I’ll get back to you.

Alright, so (hits cig pretentiously), after reading one Yahoo Finance article, I think I got it. So, like, Selena and Bieber had beef. Wait no, they didn’t have beef, but TikTok was all like ‘yo Gomy and Beibs be feudin.’ And then Selena posted a pic on the gram and like, Bieber liked it. So, they are cool now, I guess? I mean they never had beef before, so idk, I guess that puts the rumors to rest? God, if this is what keeps you waking up every morning then maybe you should look up what auto-defenestration means.

Speaking of “Wizards of Wavely Place,” apparently Selena’s character on the show was bisexual. Like, it kinda’ makes sense looking back on it, but like, she was also attracted to literal mythical creatures—like ghouls and goblins type beat. I mean she literally dated WEREWOLF PEOPLE, LIKE, WAKE UP. And we wonder where furries came from. smh. Then again, she was a literal CHILD WIZARD that KILLED HER OWN BROTHER ON TV IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF CHILDREN. Ever wonder why so many young men willingly became government pawns in the War on Terror? Yeah, starting to make sense now isn’t it. Yeah, put that in a glass and drink it down.

Well (puts out cigarette to signal to the audience that the scene is ending), that about covers it. Let me just have a look here (flips two or three pages). Yeah, that’s all I got for ya, so I hope you enjoyed this Fox News special report, and I want to quickly thank our sponsors: the St. Lawrence

E-sports team and the International Organization of Squash Players. I’ve been your host, Young Lean. If you ain’t boozin’ you ain’t cruisin.’ If I’m lyin’ I’m flyin’ and I ain’t got wings. I’ll never sellout 50,0000 seats like Joe Rogan, so f(screw)k this (throws off headphones and walks out of the camera frame).