April Fools: SLU Turns to Athletics to Solve $11.5M Defificit

In the face of an $11.5 million deficit that must be solved by 2026, St. Lawrence has announced new plans in athletics that hope to fix these budget issues.

These plans consist of investing more money into the hockey teams, adding members to the football team, and putting $5 million into completing the conversion of the Dean-Eaton dorms into a full-scale Esports dormitory. While this will certainly cost a lot of money to do, the administration hopes pouring even more money into these programs is what will solve the deficit.

For hockey, even though Appleton Arena was just renovated in 2019, more money is being invested to improve the arena further. These include a community ice skating area that will be fully operational at all times, even during SLU hockey games.

This adds a new wrinkle to the game and will surely add to entertainment value, as the players will have to maneuver around their opponents and Canton locals to score goals. Moreover, a luxury private box reserved only for President Kate Morris will be installed, ensuring our president has the best view possible when she attends the games.

Moreover, the administration has decided that the football team doesn’t have nearly enough people on it, and bumping this number to upwards of 250 will be beneficial. “There needs to be at least 15 quarterbacks on our roster,” said St. Lawrence football coach Dan Puckhaber. “This will give us the depth we need to lose to Ithaca by less than 30 next year.”

The school hopes that this investment in numbers on the football team is what is needed to help solve our deficit issues. “We expect our team to become the Kansas City Chiefs of Division III Football,” said President Morris. “This will generate a lot of revenue for the university, as everyone knows Division III football is super popular.”

Additionally, the football team has requested money from the school to place a bounty on famed Hill News writer Greg Morris, who was critical of the team this past season. Kate Morris seems to think this money will be very beneficial in catching Greg Morris.

“We hope that Greg Morris, who is unrelated to me, of course, is tracked down and brought to justice for his writing,” said President Morris. “This bounty, along with our special operations search team, should be able to find him.”

Lastly, the University hopes to bolster its crowning jewel: the Dean-Eaton esports dormitory. “This dorm is the only reason we have been able to stay afloat,” said St. Lawrence treasurer Karl Spiecker. “The allure of unlimited gaming, Cheeto dust, and Mountain Dew, as well as the complete removal of all nature sunlight and showers, has been a very big draw for our many prospective SLU students.”

The University will be putting 5 million dollars into improving this dorm. The improvements include a new exclusive Esports trainer to treat injuries such as carpal tunnel and mouth burns from too many hot Cheetos.

There was also reported to be an alarming amount of soap and running water in the dorm bathrooms, which will of course be all removed during these new dorm renovations.