April Fools: Solar Eclipse is Cancelled: Results of a Lack of Funding for the Moon-Related Hoax
The Hill News was shocked early Friday morning when several top-secret student government documents were leaked to the all-knowing, reliable social media community, YikYak. The scathing reports detailed a failed contingency fund request for a new Moon-related hoax that would “put the theatrical Moon landing to shame.” Expenses were purported to exceed $50,000, including crane rental and Hollywood-quality props of both the Sun and the Moon, planned to be dangled above the Kirk Quad before students awoke on the morning of April 8 in a paltry attempt to induce communal delusion.
As the word of the people, THN was quick to take to the streets to gauge the student body’s reactions in the wake of such a scandal. Thelmo Senator Aidan Atwell ’25 states, “Whelp, the jig is up,” while Amelia Burkhard ’26 added, “Science is a miss. Ignorance is bliss.” Others were less than thrilled, with particularly tired physics major Ethan Rowe ’25 commenting, “I’m so done with it all. What about regular physics? What about me?” Additionally, President Kate Morris’ office declined THN requests for comment, but sources say she was later seen staring at the real Moon and muttering under her breath about how “we almost got away with it too if it wasn’t for those meddling kids…”
Further investigation quickly unveiled the author of the fraudulent fund request, physics major and astronomy teaching assistant, Tyler Karasinski ’24. Following a long standoff between THN investigative journalists and Karasinski, during which the crazed senior barricaded himself into Bewkes Science Hall and was later extracted by local police, he had little in the way of excuses. “I was just trying to build my resume for grad school, and I’d do it all again if given the chance.” When pressed further, Karasinski was quick to blame the anonymous student whistleblower for “ruining the fun,” pointing out that now, students, faculty, and staff will have to come out on April 8 to celebrate “absolutely nothing at all.” THN continues to investigate as new information emerges.