April Fools: Colby Campus Returns for Late Night Chapel

Colby Campus ’25 has announced his decision to spend a fifth year as a student at St. Lawrence University. Alongside this decision, he also revealed the return of his uber-popular “Late Night” series. The next edition of the series will be held in the Gunnison Memorial Chapel on December 7, 2025. Over a year after Late Night Dana and exactly 74 years after the Pearl Harbor attacks, Late Night Chapel will be the new talk of the town.  

Campus will soon return from his semester abroad in New York City. (Not very abroad, if you ask me. (Also, what a terrible name to call somebody!)) Once Campus returns to campus, preparations to renovate the Chapel will begin immediately. He has employed the last remaining members of the Habitat for Humanity theme house to convert the pews to inverted benches on which to shoot t-shirt cannons (let’s call them Pew-Pew pews). Habi will also be catering part of the event with their staple “Let’s Saw Together” Granola Bars, consisting of extra sawdust and bent nails from their recent spring break trip to New Mexico.   

Alongside Habi, the Campus Kitchens Project will provide additional meals for those drunk enough to eat fried worms. That’s right! CKP will be deep frying their very own collection of worms, found in the disgraced garden behind Commons College. To top the meal, the group found some mud or something. I dunno, go nuts! CKP Theme Coordinator “Meals-On-Wheels” Bernstein ’26 said of the event, “Hey, Dick. What’s up? What? The Chapel? Huh? What are you talking about? No, I don’t – Is that a microphone? Are you recording me? Get away from me! Get back!” Well said, Meals.  

For the music, Campus is hiring Dana John to DJ the event. John says he has a “really well-rounded collection of songs, buddy. Let me show you my Spotify. My daughter just showed me how to use it. Let me show you, big man. This is – oh, let me show you this picture… Look at that. It’s an Eurasian Magpie. I went to the Queens Zoo last weekend with the missus, and they had a visiting exhibit from Latvia. Man, let me tell you. That magpie was a beautiful bird. Now, we’re pretty lucky here to have the wildlife we’ve got, but man, sometimes I get jealous, you know?”  

Former Thelomathesian presidential candidate Cold Seaballs ’26 will be manning an elite crew of Yo-Yo Club dropouts to act as the event bouncers. Seaballs said of the manly opportunity, “I miss her so much. I think about her every night. If I could do something to go back and change what I did, I would. I’d change everything. I’d give up everything for her. Nobody makes me feel the way she does. God, I miss her. Life was empty before I met her. It was like I had the entire universe standing right in front of me in all her beauty. She was incredible. I miss her so damn much. I should call her, just to check in. I’m gonna do it, yeah. I should call her. I’m gonna call her.”  

The event will begin around 1 a.m. and last until a pig flies. We hope to see you there.