The addiction to nicotine in the past decade has risen in frequency after the discovery among college students of ZYN nicotine pouches. Students love the practicality, the subtlety in class, and the excitement of tossing them into the stands at sporting events. This year, there has been a massive increase in the purchases of ZYN products in Canton, New York. Used pouches are all over campus, littered carelessly in the most obscure locations. Shrubbery, walkways, post-renovation Rebert, and even the President’s lawn. Lip pillows everywhere. Members of the community are outraged. Avid users angrily report the disappearance of their newly purchased Lamar Jackzyns and demand they be found. Now wait- is the issue addiction, or could it be theft?
To decipher which part of the SLU community may be the culprits, a study was conducted. The results left scientists, community members and even ZYN themselves shocked. The SLU students might be buying the products, but they aren’t the culprits of the issue on campus. The study found that a whopping 98% of squirrels on campus admitted to using copious amounts of nicotine! The SLU community was shocked by the results, and administration is hunting for answers as we speak.
One might wonder, how did this even happen? Titus weekend is when all ordinary takes a vacation, so experts predict that this is when is when the problem commenced. A specialist in squirrel rehabilitation, who prefers to remain anonymous, says “College kids throw lippers on the ground all the time. The little guy probably found one and packed it. What started as a pure quest of curiosity for a tasty looking nut left the squirrel jolted and fiending for more.” These events suggest that communication among the campus squirrels went wild, and the search commenced. The squirrels tapped into their natural instincts, and with the help of their advanced forager genes, they all got the buzz they wanted. But now, they can’t stop.
Multiple eyewitnesses have come forward about their experiences with the squirrels. “I saw those squirrels rippin fat upperdeckys and packin in so many zynachinos. If there was a city of our squirrels it would be called Zynneapolis Zynnesota. It’s brazy out here…” said Griffin Roeder ’26 when asked about the issue on campus. Roeder’s account shows the gravity of the situation. The squirrels are out of control!
An additional concern brought to our attention is the safety of SLU students. “I was crutching around the other day and looked to my side to see a squirrel lipping a ZYN! I reached to take it from him and was attacked! He blew me right off my crutches!” says Cami Stone ’26. The squirrels were seemingly harmless under an influence at first, just flashing wild eyes and performing acrobatics in the trees. But now, after hearing stories just like Stone’s from other students, the safety of the student body is certainly compromised. SLU is currently in the process of creating a task force with specialists in communication to devise a strategy for action. Until the plan is finalized, watch your ZYNs and your back.