April Fools: REDBOX REVIEW: MONEY WELL SPENT!
With St. Lawrence University banning all fun and cracking down on partying, there was nothing to do. However, when I walked into the Student Center last Friday, I immediately knew my weekend was saved. A second large red machine caught my eye next to the Pizzaforno pizza maker. It was Redbox! I now have 200 different movies to pick from each weekend to fill my time.
Upon further investigation, I found that the school had acquired the Redbox from Price Chopper. “Only one movie was being rented per month,” said Jackson Hamilton, a cashier at Price Chopper. “SLU was the only institution we thought would be dumb enough to buy a Redbox in 2024.”
“We are really fortunate to have this opportunity to bring a new and unique entertainment option to campus!” said Ashlee Downing-Duke, in her most recent email to students. The administration is excited to continue offering new services to students. “With the amazing success of the Pizzaforno automatic pizza machine and its adoration by the student body, we hope another large ugly box in the Student Center will be appreciated.”
Upon seeing the Redbox in the Student Center, I was so excited. I have been looking for a more irritating way to watch movies. Subscribing to a few streaming services and pirating the movies they don’t have online is just too convenient. Now I can connect with my ancestors and spend a few dollars each night to watch a selection of outdated movies.
Not only am I appreciative of SLU buying such an innovative form of entertainment, but I really like how they made this expensive financial decision without the consultation of the student body. Spending $20,000 dollars to acquire the Redbox from Price Chopper is a great way to use my tuition. My only issue is that SLU opted for the standard monthly service plan, costing $1,000 and only including movies 5 years after they premiere. When asked, Vice President for Finance and Administration Karl Spiecker said, “I promise to waste more student money and upgrade to the premium Redbox service plan, costing a total of $2,000 a month.”
When I told my dear old grandmother Mate Korris, who is siphoning money from her 401k to pay my tuition, about the school’s most recent purchase she was ecstatic. “I love Redbox!” she exclaimed. “Me and my friends love renting movies from our Redbox.” To keep it real with the student body my grandmother still thinks everyone has a DVD player and is so excited to tell her friends at Vilas Senior Living that her grandson’s university is getting a Redbox.
I hope my fellow students come to enjoy this wonderful use of our tuition dollars as much as I do. Now, we can all sit inside and watch movies all weekend without having to interact with our fellow students. This will finally turn students into the Saints that the administration knows we can be.