April Fools: Banana Splits Believers Save Lives One Banana at a Time

Forget apples! Research done by St. Lawrence students proves that it is actually bananas— more specifically, banana splits— that are the key to a longer, healthier and more fulfilling life.  

The banana provides essential nutrients like potassium, which can boost energy levels and promote a sense of well-being. Plus, who can resist the joy of digging into a perfectly crafted banana split?  

Chief Banana Split Believer Renate Jakobsen ’26 started eating banana splits because she felt an insatiable urge from deep within. “It was like a banana split was inside my brain, screaming my name over and over again,” she said.   

Jakobsen quickly informed her housemates of her recent discovery and recruited them to be a part of her team.  

Banana Split Believer Gabrielle Aldrich ’24 was one of the first people Jakobsen converted. “It made me feel like I could do a literal split,” she said. Aldrich has eaten a banana split every night since but declined to comment on the status of her split abilities.  

The team has discovered that banana splits contain many healing properties, ranging from the fiber found in the nuts to the anti-inflammatory benefits in the cherries. To receive full benefits, the Banana Believers recommend that consumers put an ample amount of toppings on their splits. “A full banana is necessary,” Jakobsen advises. “And none of that slicing the banana into disks.”  

Saturday morning, banana-split skeptic Madyson McCarthy ’25 woke up feeling unwell. She was recruited to take part in the Banana Believers’ clinical trial. That evening, she partook in the nightly ritual of consuming a banana split. “I’ve only taken three bites of this, and I already feel better,” McCarthy exclaimed. That was all the proof the Banana Believers needed.   

On top of the physical health advantages, banana split consumers are able to enjoy the various mental health benefits that come along with eating a banana split, including stress reduction, mood enhancement, and social connection. Some say banana splits are also aphrodisiacs.   

“There is just something so calming about a banana split; I feel like my best self while eating one,” McCarthy shared.   

The newly formed banana-split consortium has spent the better part of spring break collecting data and converting people to the banana-split lifestyle. They found that the average life expectancy of banana believers is almost 100 beautiful banana-filled years, while banana deniers are projected to live less than 25 short sad years. This data was specially calculated after participants continued to wake up every morning after banana split consumption.  

“The proof is in the pudding— or the banana splits, I should say,” commented Aldrich. “I’m a little worried to stop eating banana splits. There is too much of a risk.”  

The Banana Believers will be presenting in front of Thelmo this upcoming Wednesday to gather funds for a campus banana split parlor. They plan to renovate the Diana B. Torrey ’82 Health and Counseling Center as the center for all banana activities.  

“Students don’t need to think about their physical OR mental health while eating a banana,” said an anonymous SLU therapist. “It’s amazing; banana splits seem to solve everyone’s problems. I’m out of a job now, but I have plans to work at the ice cream parlor.”