Dean Eaton Hall Converted into Esports Dorm
On March 24, 2023, in the midst of spring break, President Morris made a shocking announcement that the entirety of Dean Eaton Hall, better known as “Dirty Dean,” would only be housing members of the Esports team, effective at the start of the fall semester. To facilitate this, certain changes will be made to Dean to better accommodate the needs and preferences of the Esports team.
Firstly, all “healthy” options in vending machines are to be removed. The only snacks that will be dispensed are Cheetos, Doritos, and Takis. Such nutritious foods are not only necessary to sustain long hours of gaming, but the dusty residue from them can serve as a decoration for the walls, rugs, and game controllers. Water fountains and sinks, instead of dispensing water, will dispense Mtn. Dew, better described as “Gamer fuel.” The walls of the hallway, meanwhile, will be coated in Cheeto dust, for the enjoyment of the players.
Secondly, several of the rooms themselves will be changed. Windows will be removed, as natural light pouring into rooms makes gaming less optimal. Any varsity gamer knows that a very dark room with no light whatsoever is best for a multi-hour Fortnite sesh. In the bathrooms, the showers will be removed, and a ban on hygiene products, such as deodorant, shall be enacted. The formal lounge will be converted into an athletic training facility, in case the players suffer injuries such as carpal tunnel syndrome, or psychological issues, such as gamer rage. The athletic trainers and coaches of the Esports team have clear guidance as to how to treat such issues, and yes, the Esports team does have multiple coaches and a designated athletic trainer (look it up!).
Lastly, the schedule of the Esports team will be set so that they need not leave Dean, thus going outside. Their classes will be online, their meals will consist of delivered Kunoco pizza, along with the aforementioned vending machine snacks, and with what free time they have, the athletes can devote themselves to bettering as varsity athletes in Super Smash Bros, Overwatch and Rocket League. Most controversially, Dean Eaton will not allow girls to visit, in order to avoid awkward interactions that detract from getting a win streak in Fortnite. A ban on certain phrases, such as “touch grass,” “talk to girls,” and “take a shower,” will be enacted to ensure a safe space for the varsity athletes.
Students next fall are advised to avoid the dorm if they have a weak stomach, as the smell permeating from it will be quite nasty. For any rising sophomores not on the Esports team who wish to live in Dean next fall, the official communication from the University is as stated: “L bozo we do not care.”