April Fools: The Second Coming of Klirg
Watch Out. He Has Returned.
To celebrate the second coming of Klirg (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDFVaWU99HI&t=1s), the Outing Club has teamed up with our phriends at NASA (Nuclear Aardvark Sex Administration) to send five lucky participants to the moon for spring break. The landing party, led by club Presidents Ellie Nichol ’25 and Finn Malnillennen ’25, is scheduled to depart on April 1, 1999. When asked why they would be leaving on said date, Nichol reasonably noted, “Y2K, and yeah, and like the sun, is gonna like explode, yeah.”
Reporters attempted to press further on recent allegations of witchcraft and raccoon trafficking, but Nichol declined to comment. Nevertheless, the OC rocket launch is sure to be quite the spectacle. Kate Morris and America’s mayor, Doug, are said to be among the attendees, as are Jeb Bush, IceJJFish and Lavar Ball. Buzz has begun to build on campus, with tickets said to cost an arm and a leg. Not to worry, though, as ACE has reassured students that their disembodied limbs will be sold in order to raise funds for NLE Choppa’s Springfest fee.
Mallinnnene will officially be the first Idahoan ever to step foot on the moon (other than that sack of potatoes that Buzz Aldrin drew a face on and tried to marry after he went insane). When asked what it would mean to accomplish such a feat, he replied, “Where am I? Who are you? What did you do with my kids?” It’s safe to say that April 1st will be a proud day in the hearts of many Idaho folk. Mallninennen’s mother, Dorris, will even be flying in from Boise via Denver, Atlanta, Syracuse, San Diego, Massena, Beijing and Cleveland before finally arriving in Watertown.
Participants are excited to see some of the fascinating wildlife on their trip, such as the moon bear and moon dog. They are decidedly less excited to eat freeze-dried squirrels, which Malynanine claims is the only food that will provide the nourishment they need to survive in space. When asked to back up his claims, Mallnanyne dropped down on all fours, ran up a tree, and caught a squirrel, which he immediately ate raw. The grizzly scene was then interrupted by the track team running by in their silly little shorts.
An animalistic look then washed over Mallinken, who began barking and chasing after them. However, additional sources have been able to inform on the rest of the shuttle’s cargo. Alongside fifteen crates of pickled, then dehydrated squirrel, the OC shuttle will be carrying 20 bottles of 151 and Amaretto respectively, as well as 200,000 PBRs. There were initial concerns over whether this would prove an adequate supply for the entire week-long excursion. However, Nichol stated that any additional weight and the rocket may have to crash land into the Greenhouse. 🙂
If one thing is certain, though, this should be one of the OC’s most audacious ventures yet, and once the aliens are brought back to campus, any claims concerning the club’s lack of inter-planetary membership will surely be squashed.