Breaking: SLU Is Not an Ivy League, Students Still Using Bribes to Get In

As the nationwide college admissions scandal widens, St. Lawrence University has come under scrutiny. On Thursday, federal authorities revealed the names of 20 families accused of paying bribes to get their children into SLU. In total, $500 and $F85 dining dollars have been linked to the scandal.

The families allegedly paid Jim “The Saint” Johnson to create fake academic and athletic profiles for their children and help them cheat on standardized tests. “They gave me money to get into a school that’s not an Ivy League,” said Johnson in a press release. “I know, I’m confused too.”

Many of the fake profiles included lies about outdoor and volunteer experiences. “We saw a large number of profiles saying they ‘cleaned hiking trails’ or had been ‘part of a ski team,’” said Department of Justice Representative Justine Buzzkill. “The frequency of these claims raised a lot of red flags.”

Along with creating fake profiles for students, Johnson took SAT tests for the students.

“One time I walked into a testing center pretending to be Susie Jones from Portsmouth,” said Johnson. “Being a 45 year old male with a mustache, I’m surprised the test coordinator let me in.”

Johnson took the test for 12 other students, varying the score each attempt. The SAT scores ranged from 1170 to 1360, raising more red flags for authorities. “The scores just seemed too average,” said Buzzkill.

Unlike the other college bribery cases around the US, Johnson bribed the athletic coaches with expensive dinners at the North Star Cafe.

“I’m not going to turn down a rodeo quesadilla,” said cricket team head coach Euro Pean. “And, honestly, as a division three coach, I have to beg kids to play for me anyway.”

The families named by federal authorities are mostly from wealthy families in the New England area. There was a tendency for the child to be the younger sibling of a SLU alumnus or valedictorian, and excel in lacrosse in high school.

“For the most part, the students were smart,” said Buzzkill. “They just were too lazy to take the exams and fill out the CommonApp.”

Department of Justice authorities expect the investigation to conclude in the coming months. Buzzkill, along with their colleagues, predict there are more families involved.