As one fan put it, “WWWWWWWHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!?!” Last weekend one of the greatest tight ends ever announced his retirement: Rob Gronkowski. The 29-year-old tight end spent his entire career with the New England Patriots, racking up 521 receptions, 7,861 yards and 79 Gronk Spikes. Despite his dominance, Gronk had an injury-prone career that led to his retirement, including knee, ankle, forearm and back issues.
Talking to fans back in Boston after the news broke, there were a lot of broken hearts. Talking to a man from Dorchester, he struggled to stop crying as he said, “Yo. Gronk is tha greatest eva!! Believe that! That man could run over people with ease to the point where they wished they were dead. That man was a badass!!” Indeed, Gronk was a badass. He is famous for his incredible hands and giant body which made him the most dominating non-quarterback in football.
As one fan put it, “That mans put people into graves! How the hell you gonna stop a dude that’s six foot?” I asked people where Gronk ranks among tight ends in NFL history, and to summarize, they all ripped off their shirts to reveal Gronk jerseys and started shouting, “GOATMAN! GOATMAN! YEAH THAT’S HIM!!” Honestly it’s not surprising, considering how much practice we have doing that for Tom Brady-who is still playing at 42 (by the way *goat). Gronk wasn’t just an animal on the field, but off it as well.
I ran into a girl who claims to have partied with Gronk. “Yeah, he’s hot. He’s was super fun and super sweet. He was like a giant teddy bear that could shotgun beers like a job. He is a true party animal.” Many fans will be in mourning, but in a happy place considering we saw this coming. After Super Bowl 53, Gronk said that he would be considering retirement and give us an answer.
Gronkowski will have the whole world in front of him as it is rumored he may go into acting or wrestling. WAIT, WHAT? Oh my god, hahaha! Of course he would try to do those things!
From all of Patriot nation, we thank you, Gronk, for your Hall of Fame career and helping deliver us three super bowls while becoming one of the most dominant tight ends in history. GOATMAN GOATMAN YEAH THAT”S HIM!!
Anyway… Wait, what? This isn’t an April Fools joke? WHAT THE SMASH!! Smash!! God damnit this is real?!?! THIS ISN’T A JOKE?
Well this sucks. At least we still have number 12.