In light of Purple Week: Is there an equation for relationship positivity?
Everybody fights. It’s normal. We’re normal. I love him. I love you. We’re a family. This is cover-up. Use it to cover up the bruises and scratches. This is our life. You’re fine, go to school. I’m fine, it’s okay, you can go. He had too much to drink. He’s sick. He loves you. Calm down. Today will be different. You’re crazy. Don’t go downstairs tonight. You’re normal. You’re beautiful. Love is forgiveness. Tell them you fell. Love is acceptance. He left. Lock the doors. He took the checkbook. He shut off the electricity. He’s back. He would never actually leave us. He loves me. He loves us. This is all we have. Don’t tell anybody. They’ll take him away. They’ll take you away. Do you want that?
Human intimacy is an anthology of personal experiences. Each story allows and impels us to see ourselves and those we love most in a deeply, newly splintered light. But the risk of looking closely prevents us from making the tragic, even fatal mistake of assuming normality in a situation that’s not tolerable. The reward is great though, because not everything is perfect forever, and that’s okay. We change, or sometimes people or things around us do. It is our right to not let the beauty of the dynamic nature of life degrade the values and wonderful tiny little things so constant within us. Maybe something doesn’t make us feel worth it. Maybe it is those itchy little voices rubbing up and down the neurons of our brain and deep into the tissues of our bodies, making us ache, and making us tired.
When I read articles describing “8 positive tips for healthy relationships” framed by two hands forming a heart of a heteronormative-seeming couple, I sank into my seat, once again confronting the ghouly, fearsome face of abnormality. But now, I shrug my shoulders and force myself into an upright, proud position. The reflex we have to generalize normality and positivity within a relationship prevents us from recognizing the needs unique to ourselves and partner(s). The universal relationship happiness structure attempts to mask just how hard it really is to be in a relationship. Intimacy and relationships don’t necessarily follow the universal equations we learn, going back way before the days of PEMDAS and writing 8008 on our calculators next to the boy with a pooka shell necklace. A negative times a negative doesn’t equal a positive. Sometimes you have nothing to divide by, but it can still work.
Does that mean we shouldn’t try to find what’s on either side of our equal signs? Each day I strive to say, no. You can learn a lot about yourself as you endure in the direction of emotional bravery. We must recognize in ourselves and in others that to open to true relationships, at their many levels, we must be authentic and not torture ourselves about what we need or don’t need.
As much as I want to decode and find the secret of a positive relationship, unfortunately, as you can probably tell, I’m bumbling around trying to figure it out myself. It’s hurt, it’s felt great, and I’ve learned by forcing myself to be honest and realize that the limits and hesitancies within me are significant. To be healthy I have to communicate those. Otherwise, you risk closing up those breathing holes that allow you to live. In the words of the illustrious Cheryl Strayed, “You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it.” Real love is reciprocal, and it is worth the search even if you have no idea what direction you’re moving. The true north will reveal itself when you do this one, really, really important thing—love yourself. Don’t waste your time, energy, or beautiful thoughts on the pursuit of anything else.