Rejoice in the Wake of the Vice-Presidential Debate

Millions of Americans agree that the debates are in much better shape now that they are pointless and boring again. Last Wednesday night’s debate brought the fireworks expected from two charisma vacuums dodging off repetitive questions. In one corner sat the revived corpse of Mike Pence, who has been oddly absent ever since the beginning of the pandemic, and facing off against him was the woke Wall-Street-loving queen, Kamala Harris. The debate got off to a racing start, in which the candidates talked for nearly fifteen minutes about the Coronavirus pandemic without saying anything at all. However, the conclusion of the polite verbal spat ended in which the moderator asked each candidate if they had a plan in place if either one of their geriatric running mates bit the dust while in office. For his part, Pence responded with a resounding, “Senator, please stop undermining confidence in a vaccine.” In response, Kamala started off by saying, “So let me tell you first of all, on the day I got the call from Joe Biden, it was actually a Zoom call, asking me to serve with him on this ticket was probably one of the most memorable, memorable days in my life.” She finished her answer by saying – well actually I have no idea how she finished her answer. I tuned out about halfway through her laundry list of self-congratulations. 

            I wasn’t the only one who had a hard time containing my excitement throughout the debate. One enthusiastic home-spectator tweeted, “If there was a televised equivalent to Ambien, this would be it!”, while another fanatic tweeted “By the half hour mark, I couldn’t feel my pulse.”

            The third topic of the night addressed the economy. Kamala landed some heavy blows, by criticizing the Trump campaign for cozying up to big business. She continued this blue-collar message by touting the support of Moody’s, a “reputable” Wall Street firm, which rated Mortgage Backed Securities AAA right up until the housing bubble collapsed, sending America’s economy off a cliff. If there’s one institution that blue-collar Americans in the Rust Belt trust, it’s definitely Moody’s. To continue her defense of the most repugnant parts of the American economy, Harris assured the American people that “Joe Biden will not end fracking.”

            However, the heavy-hitters didn’t strictly come from Kamala Harris. Mike Pence got in on the action by pointing out that the Trump administration recouped half of the 22 million lost jobs that they were responsible for losing in the first place. He followed this strong point with a bunch of incoherent nonsense about Communist China, but as long as it has that buzz word in it, you can bet it will mobilize half of the electorate.

            The rest of the debate shifted topics with the focus of a Monet painting. In the foreign policy section, both candidates chose not to speak on the probable human rights abuses their administrations would commit in the future, and instead spent the majority of the time trying to praise the military more than the other candidate, while simultaneously fear-mongering about China and Russia. The end of the debate “addressed” the Supreme Court vacancy, race related issues, and the state of the election itself, in which Harris and Pence largely talked past each other. If it weren’t for the Pence-like vivacity of moderator, Susan Page, the debate would have been in severe danger of becoming substantive at any point.            With such impressive performances on neither side, voters were split on who the winner was. One informed voter commended Kamala, stating “As a mother, I aligned with Kamala 100%. Her performance reminded me of all the times I’ve had to lie to my kids about where children come from. It was very impressive.” However, not everyone saw it the same way. In a tweet, one man commended Pence for his bravery writing, “WOW! Mike Pence is taking a huge risk being against abortion. I respect politicians who vote on issues that will definitely impact them personally, with only the greater good of the country in mind.” With such a complex, nuanced, policy-driven debate, it can be hard to come away with anything definitive, but we can all agree on one thing: that one joke about the fly on Mike Pence that every single one of your friends on Facebook shared was super funny