St. Lawrence is in the middle of an unpreceded time. Students, faculty, and staff have been thrust into a new world that no one could have seen coming. Every day looks different than before, and many people can’t even remember a time where life felt “normal”. Yes, it’s safe to say that for SLU students, Cool Blueberry Lavender Ice Vitamin Water has changed the world as we know it.
It’s been described as refreshing. It’s been described as crisp. It’s been described by senior Kayla Edmunds as “Like being kissed on the lips by a beautiful fairy.” One thing is clear: people simply cannot get enough of it. Recycling bins across campus are overflowing with empty Vitamin Water bottles, and everyday dozens of students go to class with that post-Blueberry Lavender glow.
Or they used to, anyways.
Dear reader, I’m afraid to report that the hysteria for this popular drink has gone too far. Unchecked obsession over Cool Blueberry Lavender Vitamin Water has led to its complete disappearance. Who could be responsible for its absence? What kind of sick, convoluted game are these hooligans playing? And are they nefarious troublemakers, or just victims of Cool Blueberry Lavender Ice Vitamin Water’s Zero Sugar goodness?
An independent investigation revealed that Brenna McConnell ‘23, and the now-infamous Kayla “Fairy Kiss” Edmunds may be responsible for a county-wide shortage of Cool Blueberry Lavender Ice Vitamin Water. The Pub, every nearby convenience store, and even Walmart are completely sold out of the scrumptious, refreshing, and addictive beverage. When confronted about her role in the shortage, McConnell eloquently responded: “Get my name out of your mouth.” Shocking. “Fairy Kiss” Edmunds had this to say: “I’d just like to defend myself and say there’s nothing wrong with stocking up on something that tastes like you’re laying in a bed of moss drinking from a glacier-fed stream, or being kissed by a fairy. Additionally, the high demand for this elixir must be realized and met, for the good of the people. Especially in this economy.” A fascinating perspective. Personally, I can’t comment. Economics has too many numbers in it for this mediocre English Major.
The severity of the present crisis is beyond a doubt. An anonymous member of SLU EMS was asked for their opinion on the dangers of Blue Vitamin Water addiction. The answer: “There is no doubt in my mind that Cool Blueberry Lavender Ice Vitamin Water is the number one risk to public health that the university currently faces. Stay safe, mask up, and put the Vitamin Water down.” Inspiring words.
Is Cool Blueberry Lavender Ice Vitamin Water more addicting than literal drugs? The answer, Saints, is a profound yes. If you or a loved one find yourself in the grips of this refreshing, electrolyte-rich epidemic, please, get help.
Also, if you have any Blueberry Lavender Water, hit me up. I’ll pay triple the store price.