Every four years, the American public is subject to a circus, and not the fun kind with clowns (although, I might add we did get an orange Cheeto clown this past one! LOL!). The circus I’m talking about is the announcing of candidates for the presidential election. While in 2015 and 2016, we were subject to an increasingly ridiculous parade of Republican candidates, candidates who moved away from the traditional bastions of kind conservatism like Ronald Reagan and Dick Cheney. Of course, it resulted in the disaster we in the Resistance know as “Drumpf,” a guy who doesn’t even have good hair! But I digress.
Now, it’s the other side of the aisle’s turn, as politicians begin announcing their candidacy for the Democratic Party. As a proud person Still With Her, I watched in horror as crazy far-left communists like Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren announced their candidacies. However, one candidate gives me hope. One candidate can beat the radicals on both ends of the spectrum: Beto O’Rourke.
Beto. Beto, Beto, Beto. For a white, upper-middle class, liberal like me, there is no better representation of my spineless commitment towards justice and equality. Beto understands the value of compromise. He knows man-made climate change is real, but also knows that the fossil fuel companies have good money to give him. He cares enough about the Latinx population to go by “Beto” instead of Robert, but not enough to actually make any strong stands on immigration when he was an elected official in the House of Representatives. He knows the importance of a good villain, which is why he let Ted Cruz beat him in the mid-term elections! Also, he used to skateboard, just like your sketchy older cousin! How cool is that?
Sure, some of you might be arguing if we really need another white guy in office. Well first off, I’d again like to point out that he pretends to be Hispanic. If that’s not enough for you, then I would remind you to look what happened in Congress this past-election. Diversity is important to us establishment liberals, but let’s not rock the boat! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Green New Deal? Sounds socialist and too mean to businesses. Ilhan Omar criticizing the settler state of Israel? Where else am I supposed to feel comfortable in the Middle East? Besides, most of these newly-elected candidates don’t understand how important it is to us to bend over backwards so we can compromise with the increasingly-far right Republican Party. Beto understands the power of bipartisanship. After all, it takes two halves to sink a ship!
Anyway, I know Beto O’Rourke to be the milquetoast, bland, Wonder Bread, wonder-candidate we need in this election, and now you do too. If you’re looking for the guy who all us Coexist bumper sticker-slapping, cop-loving, scared-of-BLM liberals are gonna vote for to take down Big Bad Cheeto man, then look no further. Also, he used to be in a punk band! Neat!