No, seriously—you shouldn’t watch this film. “The Nun” is a film that books itself as “the scariest film of the year” while following a novitiate nun, Sister Irene, and priest, Father Burke, who bumble around a haunted abbey cloister in Romania.
The duo spend around 45 minutes aimlessly chasing after visions down narrow, dark hallways echoing Gregorian chants and ripe with jump scares.
The problem with this is that The Nun doesn’t have any other tricks to offer other than its formula: extreme silence, movement in the corner of the screen, character notices movement, character explores movement, character chases ghost, ghost unleashes on character.
This formula plays out at least eight times, making it quite possibly the most horrific thing in the film.
Speaking of horror, the only thing horrifying in this film is the screenwriting and the complete lack of logic that moves the plot forward at breakneck speed.
To give an illustration of this speed, we are greeted at the beginning of the film with Sister Irene and Father Burke as they are led to the cloister Romanian abbey by their guide, Frenchie.
From roughly the 20th minute to the 35th, we watch as Frenchie and the religious duo wander around the abbey grounds.
Then, at the 35th minute, Father Burke tells Frenchie to take off and he quite literally disappears into the ether of the script—only to be retrieved some 40 minutes later when I assume the screenwriter suddenly remembered he had a third main character.
We are then greeted with a random bar scene of Frenchie who remembers he dropped off two characters at the abbey.
We don’t see him again for another ten minutes, before he appears out of the ether of the deus ex machina and saves Father Burke. The plot moves so fast, you will become convinced that the director couldn’t wait to finish his film—and honestly, if he’d shortened it, I wouldn’t be opposed.
It cannot be stressed enough: this is not a good film. At its best, it could be considered a solid D, but I would more accurately describe it as somewhere between a dumpster fire and the 2007 Miami Dolphins.
If you watch this film, don’t be surprised if you suddenly develop cataracts from the sheer stupidity playing before you—but if that’s what you’re looking for, then maybe The Nun is for you.
Grade: 3.77/10