Nothing Says Romance Like an Animated Hedgehog

I’ll be honest, when I went home for break it was purely to see my dogs and hook up with someone from high school. All went according to plan, but you can imagine my surprise when he looked me in the eye and asked: “Do you wanna see “Sonic: The Hedgehog” with me?”

So that’s what I did—post coital and exceptionally confused in a theatre packed to the brim with nine-year-olds and their dads. My date was very excited, I was texting my editor…because this is probably the article that’ll get me kicked off the team, I just need someone to foreword this tragedy to the faculty advisor and then off I’ll trot (probably to the Opinions column). 

Now, here’s the problem. “Sonic” wasn’t bad! Can I tell you the plot? No. Did I laugh at any of the jokes? Absolutely not, only the dads did. Do I remember anything besides shirtless James Marsden and every single Jim Carrey scene? No.

But I have seen movies that are much, much worse. “Sonic” surprisingly has a plot that functioned decently. It was set up well, there was a foretelling goal, the characters were briefly introduced, there was an obvious villain and motivation established, ANDANDANDANDAND “Sonic the Hedgehog” passes the Bechdel test- which is more than most of our Oscar nominated films could say (lookin’ at you 1917). The film fails to create admirable “Sonic” lore or adequately set up a legitimate trilogy (which we are definitely getting), as well as uses Dr. Eggman in his most boring form. But if I was eight years old and wasn’t allowed to watch Marvel movies yet, “Sonic” would be pretty awesome! 

Sonic serves its purpose in the sense of entertaining children and memers—if you’re looking for a nostalgic movie that reinvigorates your childhood love of Sonic The Hedgehog, you will be disappointed. 

The exploration of Sonic lore is very lacking throughout the actual film—all the cartoon/video game stans have to hang onto are Sonic’s rings (that are only slightly relevant) and Dr. Eggman. The end credit scene is truly for the intense Sonic fans, but you can watch that online already—the rest of the film isn’t for you. Sonic’s powers aren’t adequately used, and the character conflicts are underwhelming and blasé. I would argue that the only good duo is Dr. Eggman and his main henchman—because they are definitely f*cking. To quote the movie: “I’ll need you to pin yourself to the wall for me (Carrey).” (Jim Carrey said #GayRights) Overall, the plot of the movie could have been avoided/completed in two scenes if Sonic had used his powers of amazing speed to run to San Francisco, instead of embarking on a road trip with James Marsden. 

Don’t ask me why the Rotten Tomato’s score is so high—I truly cannot tell you. Does it deserve a 65%? No. Do I respect the people campaigning for an Oscar nomination? 

Absolutely.