Why I Could Beat a Kangaroo

No other creature in the natural world is as skilled in mixed martial arts as the Macropodidae (Kangaroo). The pride of Australia, these marsupials are one of the most unique and interesting creatures in the Animal Kingdom. For millennia, humans and kangaroos have coexisted in relative peace, with occasional skirmishes and property damage failing to escalate into a full-blown conflict. If it were ever deemed necessary by the kangaroos, however, one thing is certain: these animals know how to throw hands. In the wild, male kangaroos often box in order to defend their territory, establish dominance and compete over females. These matches are far from a good, clean fight, and often involve biting, scratching and intense verbal slander. The doctrinal method of kangaroo boxing involves using their paws to grab their opponent, then leaning back and balancing on their long tails to throw out their powerful legs and kick. Not only is this useful for kangaroo-on-kangaroo matches, but these skills are also useful against fending off predators such as dingoes. In some instances, kangaroos are known to hold their opponents underwater. They do not contain an ounce of sportsmanship when it comes to boxing. 

Let me be absolutely clear; I in no way condone animal cruelty or any kind of violence against any animal. Kangaroos in particular are one of my favorite animal species, and I would never wish to fight one of these “hopptastic” beings. However, should the event ever occur that I (the pacifist that I am) be challenged by an unprovoked kangaroo seeking a battle, I am confident that I will be able to defend myself and ultimately emerge victoriously. 

Let me begin by saying I do not claim to be the ideal specimen of someone who thrives in combative sports. I tried wrestling for like a day in middle school and was lucky to walk away with my life. If a kangaroo ambushed me, I likely would be compelled to run away rather than prove myself to the world that I am physically capable of winning (that’s what this article is for). 

So, let’s say, hypothetically, I do encounter a kangaroo – the key is to trick them into not knowing your next move. Kangaroos hop, and people generally do not. It is for this reason that hopping towards the kangaroo would instill within the beast a sense of confusion and potential dread. You must anticipate that the quick action of the kangaroo will include an initial attempt to grab you. Knowing this, I would easily be able to counter this move, allowing for freedom of maneuver. Once close enough, I would throw up a defensive posture similar to a screen in basketball. This is in anticipation of the kick that is to come. Now, I have never been kicked by a kangaroo, but I would like to think I could take it. I have read that in some cases, kangaroo kicks have been fatal to humans; however, these are extremely rare instances. 

When it comes to fighting a kangaroo, I am at a tactical disadvantage. I do not have a tail to lean on, allowing for kicks; meaning, unlike the kangaroo, any kicks I do manage to make will likely come from one leg. Therefore, in order to make up for this, I would also have to use my arms, which are more maneuverable than a kangaroo’s. I also weigh more than a full-grown kangaroo and could use that to my advantage. My overall strategy would be to best the kangaroo in a battle of endurance, with the hope that it would grow tired in its inability to take me down quickly. 

At the end of the day, a full-grown kangaroo’s strength is nothing against the unbreakable human spirit and my personal willpower that would refuse to lose to an animal as goofy-looking as a kangaroo. Should I find myself in a position where I face the threat of two kangaroos, then I would be in a very unfortunate predicament, but that is a topic for another time.