As the nationwide college admissions scandal widens, St. Lawrence University has come under scrutiny.

You may want to sit down in your J. Crew jeans for this one…St. Lawrence University is now announcing full sponsorship on the following:

-Blundstones

-Canada Goose

-Lululemon

-Patagonia

-Bean Boots

-Apple

-Hydroflask

-Juul

-Birkenstock

-Supergas

A lot of sponsors. I know.

Instead of being a private institution known for higher education, St. Lawrence has now rebranded, and is now turning into an institution of higher athletics and branded wear. Faculty in the admissions office found that they had felt calling St. Lawrence as a place of higher education was misleading, and at times contradicted the school’s overall values and look.

So, by appealing to a much wider prospective audience, the school now has expanded to 45 varsity sports teams, instead of 32. Ranging from planking, to cornhole, to bocce ball and even to parkour. However, with this being said, all teams’ uniforms are to be supplied by Lululemon.

The athletic director along with coaches and trainers have enacted that Under Armour and Nike are to be banned. If seen wearing it, you will be asked to leave the facilities. If caught more than three times, you will then be suspended for a semester. Faculty and administration have agreed that it is more important to preserve the look of the student body rather than keep in mind the expenditures and budgets. If debt does fall upon us, then their plan is to turn to the trustees for hefty donations.

Because St. Lawrence University wants everyone to conform and be identical in order to appeal more, there will be two required classes. These courses will replace the FYP and FYS and introduce students during their first semester to each and every brand. The second semester will be more focused on how to wear and carry such pieces. In addition to this, first years are highly encouraged to buy a juul and stock up on juul pods. Lastly, they will be required to buy the following books from the Brewer Bookstore: The Official Preppy Handbook, True Prep and Take Posh.

These books will serve as great templates and referrals for any budding modern day Jay Gatsby.  

At St. Lawrence University you will find that we have two very distinct stereotypes. We have the lax bros and crunchy granola outdoorsy folks. After taking the two mandatory courses, you will be required to register under which stereotype appeals to you the most.

However, forewarning, both stereotypes will be provided with four Apple products; Airpods, the current iPhone, MacBook Pro laptop, as well as an Apple watch. In addition, everyone will be given two Hydroflasks, one for Park Bros coffee and the other for Fiji water. Colors to choose from will consist of black, brown, red or white. Lastly, if you choose to “identify” as a lax bro, you will be asked to wear Bean Boots from the months of November to March. If you are more of a crunchy-granola outdoors dude, then Blundstones will become a part of you.

Although these changes may seem overwhelming and intimidating, they are indeed a great balance and by no means will cause any conflicts. You can also always change over stereotypes after careful consideration by the end of Sophomore year.

Prep on!