I saw “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” over break, and other than the plots that had a lack of development and a heavy reliance on nostalgia, I had a realization: more characters deserve lightsabers- they are so fun and useful, and if a character is an integral part of your team, why not equip them with the best weapon? I’m sorry to the diehard Star Wars fans who may be reading this, but I don’t care about traditions regarding who gets lightsabers. What I care is about some people have proven their worth and are entitled to the right to wield a lightsaber, not a dinky laser gun, and that’s on Palpatine. However, I will vehemently defend to never let C3-PO touch a lightsaber, and that’s because he’s an annoying little sh*t. He doesn’t deserve it.
10. Jar Jar Binks
Hear me out. I know this hot take will be upsetting to some but I still want to see it. You know why? It would be hilarious. He probably already has one. Who knows what Jar Jar would do with it? Would it potentially give him way too much power? Yeah, but *spoiler* it would’ve made a more interesting plot point than Palpatine’s shriveled a** escaping death one too many times. I’ll defend Jar Jar, even if just for the joke of it all. If this doesn’t interest you, give it to Admiral Ackbar instead.
9. Padmé
Why didn’t she have one? Natalie Portman did NOT fake cry over Anakin Skywalker just to have no screen-time of her even touching a lightsaber, at least in the live-action films. It’s upsetting. This is feminism. Give Padmé a lightsaber. It should be purple. Royalty.
8. R2D2
I know that he really has no use for it. But, that droid has been through everything and has helped so many generations of resistance fighters who have no idea what they’re doing and would probably die 40 minutes in if it weren’t for R2. I know for a fact that he’d be stoked to have one, too.
7. General Grievous
“General Kenobi.” Yes, this robot giant has four, but somehow, he was still defeated. I want him to be undefeatable. Give this man another lightsaber.
And after he dies, he gets reincarnated with only two? This dude needs more, not less. I want Obi-Wan to jump down from the high ground and be truly terrified when the droid is swinging five sabers. It seems logical in my head.
6. Maz Kanata
Listen, I love that little orange alien. I also love Lupita Nyong-o. If she’s not being recognized for her performances and acting abilities this awards season, I’m going to give her the next best thing: a lightsaber for her fictional “Star Wars” character. This lil’ alien seems to know everything and has been around for a while, and is just mysterious enough where I never felt like I truly knew her intentions but you know what? There are a lot of other characters who have a saber who are even shadier, and I’ll take the risk in trusting her. She somehow got Luke’s lost saber, but never wields it, and I think it’s time for that to change.
5. Lando Calrissian & Han Solo
Yes, I did group these two, but do I really need to defend this one? They’ve proven their worth again and again, and I would have loved to see them slash some Stormtroopers or droids with a saber instead of shooting. Would Greedo still be alive? Probably not. I also want Donald Glover to fight off some bad guys dramatically with one. That’s all.
4. Jyn Erso
This lady sacrificed everything to help the resistance and you’re telling me they couldn’t pass her a lightsaber to help? Give this woman a break. And a saber. A posthumous lightsaber, a beautiful sentiment really.
3. General Hux
I still don’t know how I feel about this character, he’s so weird. I know he would be awful at actually fighting with a lightsaber, but I still think he deserves some more defense than was given to him. Would he try to use it against Kylo even know he knows he doesn’t stand a chance? Yes. Would it have still made for a better character arc for him, if any? Yes.
2. Babu Frik
I should clarify now that these aren’t really in any order, especially because I know it probably isn’t a great idea to give this little man a lightsaber, but I do think he deserves it. A second proposal: a human-sized lightsaber for him. There would be NOTHING more pathetic than getting murdered by a tiny bug dude running with a human-sized saber swinging at you. Here’s to the cinematic possibilities, heyheyheyyyy.
1. Chewbacca
How does he not already have one? Dude has literally been through everything. He’s been nothing but helpful, and I’m not saying to take away his laser gun, because he’s a good aim, but also give him a lightsaber. Just in case, ya know? Backup lightsabers are always a good plan, and I live by that sentiment. Part of me fears that he would become the strongest creature in the universe, and that he would become the focal point as he single-handedly saves everyone. I wouldn’t exactly be mad, though.