After millennia of trying, God has finally been proven real by a team of researchers from Liberty University. The Hill News was able to sit down with God for an exclusive interview that covered a variety of topics.
THN: What is your favorite planet? Earth, right?
GOD: Earth is definitely in my top five billion favorite planets! Generally, the Sombrero Galaxy has better food, though.
THN: What are your thoughts on homosexuality?
GOD: I absolutely don’t hate the gays. I created them, after all.
THN: So what would you say to religions that persecute gays in your name?
GOD: I don’t know. I’d ask them why— if they thought I hated gays— priests decided to stop having sex with women and instead chose to live in a house with 40 other men. And they talk about having my son inside of them all the time. That sounds gay to me.
THN: What is the deal with Satan?
God: He was a pet snake of mine that somehow escaped; sorry about that.
THN: Is the immaculate conception story true?
God: I cannot believe you guys believed that shit [laughs heartily]. I made that story up because of child support reasons… crap, are we on the record?
THN: How is your relationship with the pope?
God: I haven’t talked with the pope in 1,054 years. How is Pope John XII doing? He was an absolute prick. We stopped talking after he would not stop murdering and raping people.
THN: What is the most amazing thing you have seen humans do in your name?
God: Hmm, tough one [scratches his beard]. I can’t believe Moses chopped off the tip of his penis. I was completely kidding when I asked him to do that…
THN: What would you say to those who want to communicate with you?
God: You can’t actually talk with me directly. I’ve outsourced a lot of my work to saints, but they’re underpaid and overworked. Try starving yourself in the desert or a cave for a few weeks. Then you’ll hallucinate and think I’m talking with you— think of it as an automated phone call! Otherwise, I am a busy man with many universes to explore.
THN: Last question; when is your son coming back?
GOD: Huh? I already sent him back in 2003. And again in 2012. And again in 2017. I guess you guys just aren’t ready for a Middle Eastern man to come to the West yet.
After the interview, THN looked into God’s claim and found out that it was true. Jesus came back in modern day Iraq, but as a Middle Eastern man, he was immediately apprehended by American authorities. He was sent to Guantanamo Bay, where he died during “enhanced” interrogation.
Our research indicates that he rose again in Syria and tried to come to Europe via raft. However, his raft sank and he died without reaching the Western world. His third resurrection occurred closer to America but still proved unsuccessful. He came back in Mexico but was detained at the border because American authorities believed his name was Jesús. He was deported but his whereabouts remain unknown.
Within hours of the discovery, the world began to react— and not always for the best. In a press conference, Donald Trump said, “I always knew God was real – ask Sean Hannity. I told him in 2001. I was right all along. No one was more religious than me. All my praying and piety has obviously worked. You’re welcome.” Meanwhile, Ben Carson ejaculated to death when he learned of the news. Tim Tebow could not be reached for comment because he was calling his doctor over an erection that lasted for more than four hours. The appearance of God did little to change other politicians’ social stances. For example, a spokesperson for Ted Cruz indicated that he still hates gays. However, Ted Cruz’s Grindr profile surfaced hours later.
A day later, the Catholic Church triumphantly declared that they were right all along. But soon after, Protestants posted “95 Reasons Why We Are Right” on the Odyssey Online, which was shared on Facebook 132 times, the most shares an Odyssey article ever received. Mormons, Scientologists, Jews, and Muslims soon declared themselves the true faiths as well. A massive war started, and during the ensuing turmoil, God quietly left. He sent the Hill News a galactic postcard from Ursa Minor Dwarf Galaxy, which read, “APRIL FOOLS, God’s not real!!!!”