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Holy Crap, God is Dead

Written by Daniel Banta

A recent experiment carried out by scientists at CERN found compelling evidence that God is not real. After running a series of highly complex mathematical equations derived from recent data yielded from colliding two particles that nobody has heard of, they found there was no God. Despite that an estimated 99.99 percent of the population cannot truly understand the mathematics behind the finding, these scientists have fundamentally changed society.

A scattologist from Harvard University corroborated the findings in another study. He independently verified the original findings when his own data revealed the Bible was comprised of approximately 97 percent fecal matter and three percent generic moral lessons.

On the following morning, people were amazed when the sun rose and the day began anew, as if unphased, perhaps indifferent, to our very existence in the universe. The day proceeded as normal. Many were shocked to find they still wanted to live their lives morally, despite lacking the support of a deity.

“I was so, so surprised that I still love my wife and kids,” exclaimed John Obvio, a retired car mechanic from San Jose, California. “The fact I still have morals is astounding! Who knew that just by not being a dick, I could have morals without the Bible,” he continued.

Others expressed fear over the future. “Will I still get presents on Christmas?” asked a boy from Boston. “I wonder if I can still worship dog?” questioned a dyslexic woman from Ohio.

The findings have had a massive impact on America’s political landscape. Yesterday morning, Ben Carson was admitted to a mental hospital after insisting he was still communicating with Jesus. After hours of sobbing, Ted Cruz finally conceded that science is right but maintained that he was still homophobic.

Late last night, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump questioned how God could suddenly not exist anymore. “I still see myself in the mirror, and this is the best mirror. You’re saying I’m not there?” he bellowed to a roaring crowd.

During a press conference this morning, former governor Mike Huckabee announced that he will be receiving gender reassignment surgery and requested to be called Caitlyn. His (now her) surprising declaration was followed by remarks from former President George W. Bush. After finding out what the word “definitive” meant, Bush told reporters, “I’m glad I won’t have to spend an eternity in hell with Dick Cheney anymore.”

The sports world was also rocked by the findings. A bemused Ray Lewis pondered how hard work, having your bodyguard take the fall for murder, and general luck allowed him to win a Super Bowl. Exquarterback and future Dancing With the Stars contestant Tim Tebow stated he plans to worship Peyton Manning instead of god. Other athletes feared that steroids alone could not help them stay competitive.

Even the entertainment industry felt the effects of this discovery. In a press conference this morning, Mel Gibson announced that although he was no longer anti-Semitic, he was simply a dick. The father of the Duggar family, Jim Duggar, said he never believed in God, he just hated wearing condoms. Later in the day, author Dan Brown filed a lawsuit against the scientists at CERN claiming they stole the plot to his next novel.

Businesses everywhere were impacted by the discovery that God did not exist. A representative for Chuck E. Cheese’s said that a staggering number of now former priests had applied for a job there. Many analysts expect Christian Mingle to go out of business, while others predict that Tinder will buy the dating service. Condom sales have been at record highs.

Other companies are worried about the future. Stockholders for Smith & Wesson wondered if humans would find a new reason to kill each other. In order to stay to employed, many prominent evangelical radio hosts feel they can apply their skills for selling a scam to vulnerable people in future career endeavors. They are planning to sell Shamwows for infomercials. APRIL FOOLS!! God is totally real.

About the author

Daniel Banta