Last week, while SLU students were enjoying themselves on Spring Break adventures across the globe, shocking news shook the North Country. Clarkson University revealed a deep dark secret it has been hiding for years. Donald Trump, businessman, politician, television personality, and candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States in the 2016 election, graduated from Clarkson in 1968. It only makes sense that once Trump began to rise to power and his true colors began to show, Clarkson hid all previous relations with him.
While he attended Clarkson, old classmates recall that he was “nothing special” and “seemed to blend into the crowds.” Cruella Deville, Clarkson class of 1968, remembered that he would never attend hockey games at Cheel Arena, not even the SLU v. Clarkson games. “Looking back, I should have known then that he was not a good guy,” she said. “I didn’t realize it until now, but Clarkson is what turned him into the monster he is today.” Clarkson does not only produce “Trump” style alum, but he said that if Trump had gone to a different undergraduate institution – like SLU – the country would absolutely not be facing the possibility of having an orange, Cheeto dust colored presidential candidate.
Clarkson does boast a number of notable alumni, ranging from NHL hockey players to a Miss America runner-up. However, Trump is not listed on any website as being an alum, nor has the university ever publicly acknowledged his graduate status.
Trump attended Clarkson for four years between 1964 and 1968. Alexa Mitchell ‘16, following the time honored tradition of SLU v. Clarkson rivalry, revealed that she feels that this is where Trump turned back. “College are the most formative years of our lives,” she says. “Clearly, Clarkson and the environment of their campus are what planted initial seeds of idiocrasy in Trump.”
When asked to talk about Trump as a student in class, not one of his former professors agreed to give a statement. The university did release an old photograph of Trump’s 1968 commencement, as seen on the front page. “Looking at the photo, they should have known that he was going to turn out to be trouble,” said John Doe, an impartial party. “I don’t know anything about the SLU v. Clarkson rivalry, but based on this one picture, I can tell you that if anyone at Clarkson had half a brain, they would not have allowed Trump to graduate and go into the world.”
The news has also spurred many discussions between Clarkson professors. They are concerned that they are somehow, unknowingly, breeding a whole new generation of “Trumps.” Administrators and a new emergency task force have been in meetings all week trying to put a plan into action in an effort to stop producing more Clarkson grads like Trump. Their official press release stated that “The bottom line is the main goal is to be more like St. Lawrence. We want Clarkson graduates to be as highly regarded and respected as SLU grads, and with enough help and change, maybe someday, they will be.”
When contacted, Trump refused to comment on this revelation. Clearly, he is feeling as much shame at being a former Golden Knight as Clarkson is about him being their alum.
While the shock of this news is making its way around, many people are sure to be skeptical to believe what they hear. “You can’t believe everything you read online or in print these days,” says on student. However, go to Google and search “Donald Trump.” That picture in the first row that you see? Well, that sure looks like a signature Clarkson gold color tie.